Ere the Err of the Ewe -edited

[yimbus]

Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
Since greenest surely cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.



I originally had the title as "we cease the chase" but wasn't entirely happy with that, so I changed it. Still not sure about this one, but would like to know which one you all preferred, or if you liked neither.

I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit jelly your very first poem is so bright and clever.
An all over wonderful package, no matter how many folks have read and ignored,
maybe feared to comment . Could they be jelly, too? I like the title you chose.
I like the poem because in my own mind it takes a harrowing struggle & pokes it
with a tickle stick.

-nibbed


p.s. welcome here

Nibbed...you know what is expected of the crits in the intensive forum. I cannot believe that you believe that your feeble note-to-self and any stray bystander in any way constitutes useful critique. Now come on, straighten up and fly right. You would expect more from others.
Mod

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Spiraling towards efficiencyI can tell in this first line that you (or ewe) are going to play word games...but just remember, to be clever you have to BE clever....not obscure. So I ask myself, what does this mean...and the answer? I am not clever enough to know. So clarify...otherwise only very clever people and those who will not admit that they have no idea what you are talking about will say "Oh, jolly well done".
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency See what I mean?
Err
 be mistaken or incorrect; make a mistake.

"the judge had erred in ruling that the evidence was inadmissible"
synonyms:
make a mistake, be wrong, be in error, be mistaken, mistake, make a blunder, blunder, be incorrect, be inaccurate, misjudge, miscalculate, get things/something/it wrong, bark up the wrong tree, get the wrong end of the stick, be wide of the mark;
Quite apart from the noun/verb error, it maketh no sense. Sorry, but this is in Intensive crit and that is what you will get...nothing personal and no offence intended.

To crumble amongst the bushes
While a predicament flows by;Analysis is for the birds. If you want it to be clear make it clear. The words SOUND good but carry no information...as predicted.
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,The outdated capitalisation of every line tells me that you read some very old poetry books or have not read any poetry for a long time...oh, I know some very GOOD poets still do it but that is because they are very good poets and may be redeemed by what they write. Here, it only adds to grammatical confusion.
While I tended my ewe
Ere she disappeared my view,more commonly, if ever, e're
Granted to greener pasturesGranted to....????
As greenest surely cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.Gobbledygook...if you cannot find a rhyme for exist...change exist.


Original:

Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

There is always a bit of me that strives to see what the writer is seeing....and I can only say that what you are seeing is not being "given" to me. That is NOT to say that you have nothing to give...there may well be an interesting, if not worthy, piece of poetry in here somewhere.  Suggestion. Write down the encapsulation of the thought or point or  purpose of the poem. Now look at what you can do to SHOW the reader what you have written using imagery, metaphor, alliteration...anything but gobbledygook. Would you EVER say "As greenest cannot exist within the boundaries reminisced"? If what you are saying is " In a world of green pastures, trees and plants...with such immense variation of colour...I cannot recall from memory being able to say what is the greenest thing I saw". Not very poetic? No, of course not...it is your poem...now make that line in to poetry.
On the capitalisation issue, we use punctuation to clarify structure. One of the "rules"...breakable as mentioned above and for proper names...is that capital letters begin a sentence. Use outside this excellent dogma is not worthwhile as nothing is gained by it.
Best,
 tectak

Thanks for your honest feedback...I do agree its purpose might not have been clear enough. On the capitalization issue, that was something I just forgot about completely...because every time I typed a new line it automatically capitalized it. I tried to clear it up, and hopefully didn’t sacrifice too much in the way but let me know what you think of this: 

Spiraling towards efficiency
the simpleton vanished.
And rich atrocities
had a devious tendency 
to crumble amongst the bushes,
while a predicament flows by.

To lie and weep
some type of sublime cry,
as ignorant modernities
failed to appease,
my vagabond sense of despondency.

Still I tended my ewe
ere she disappeared my view,
granted to greener pastures 
as greenest surely can’t exist
within these bound’ries reminisced