Spiraling towards efficiency
the simpleton vanished.
And rich atrocities
had a devious tendency 
to crumble amongst the bushes,
while a predicament flows by.

To lie and weep
some type of sublime cry,
as ignorant modernities
failed to appease,
my vagabond sense of despondency.

Still I tended my ewe
ere she disappeared my view,
granted to greener pastures 
as greenest surely can’t exist
within these bound’ries reminisced


Original:

Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.



I originally had the title as "we cease the chase" but wasn't entirely happy with that, so I changed it. Still not sure about this one, but would like to know which one you all preferred, or if you liked neither.

I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit jelly your very first poem is so bright and clever.
An all over wonderful package, no matter how many folks have read and ignored,
maybe feared to comment . Could they be jelly, too? I like the title you chose.
I like the poem because in my own mind it takes a harrowing struggle & pokes it
with a tickle stick.

-nibbed


p.s. welcome here

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

I'd go with  "Ere the Err of the Ewe" because it's a better fit to the poem.
Love the line: "Spiraling towards efficiency".
Line 5: There's got to be a better word than "flow" .

But overall: exceedingly clever!
Ray

(01-26-2018, 06:21 PM)nibbed Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.



I originally had the title as "we cease the chase" but wasn't entirely happy with that, so I changed it. Still not sure about this one, but would like to know which one you all preferred, or if you liked neither.

I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit jelly your very first poem is so bright and clever.
An all over wonderful package, no matter how many folks have read and ignored,
maybe feared to comment . Could they be jelly, too? I like the title you chose.
I like the poem because in my own mind it takes a harrowing struggle & pokes it
with a tickle stick.

-nibbed


p.s. welcome here

haha, thanks. wouldn't say its my first poem, just the first one I felt strongly enough about to try to get out in the open.

---

(01-26-2018, 07:48 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

I'd go with  "Ere the Err of the Ewe" because it's a better fit to the poem.
Love the line: "Spiraling towards efficiency".
Line 5: There's got to be a better word than "flow" .

But overall: exceedingly clever!
Ray

thank you. the first line is one I've thought of many times but just decided to write an entire piece around it a few days ago. I was using flow to try to depict some imagery going along with the bush and pasture but I do agree it might be the most awkward line in the poem. will try to think  of some alternative words

Moved at the OP’s request.

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,              "ewe" is singular, so wouldn´t it be "it disappeared" ?
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

spoiler (can´t be bothered to hide it in a box cos it´s a ridiculously subjective association anyway):
the second line made me remember an instant decades back, when a cow ate my sweater (lilac and, btw, cotton, so no animal was harmed).

more seriously:
your poem is an interesting read, content-wise i think i might grasp L 3/4 and L11/12
the others remain a bit mysterious.
not sure if the use of archaic words instead of more known ones adds to your poem even if they cleverly are similar.

for rhythm i´d suggest for L11/ 12:
"as greenest sadly can´t exist
within these bound´ries reminisced."                             
(...although i am not quite sure if "reminisced" is the right word to describe the boundaries of how green the pastures can get.)

(01-28-2018, 06:46 AM)vagabond Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,              "ewe" is singular, so wouldn´t it be "it disappeared" ?
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

spoiler (can´t be bothered to hide it in a box cos it´s a ridiculously subjective association anyway):
the second line made me remember an instant decades back, when a cow ate my sweater (lilac and, btw, cotton, so no animal was harmed).

more seriously:
your poem is an interesting read, content-wise i think i might grasp L 3/4 and L11/12
the others remain a bit mysterious.
not sure if the use of archaic words instead of more known ones adds to your poem even if they cleverly are similar.

for rhythm i´d suggest for L11/ 12:
"as greenest sadly can´t exist
within these bound´ries reminisced."                             
(...although i am not quite sure if "reminisced" is the right word to describe the boundaries of how green the pastures can get.)

Thanks, good catch on the “ewe” part...I’ll likely change “they” to “it” to “she”. And I do agree an adjective could be added to L11 for better flow/rhythm, I’ll think of one later. I understand your point with some of the more archaic words, it’s probably from what I’ve been reading lately...but yeah I did try to keep them similar and short (ere, err, ewe) and also I usually used them metaphorically more than anything, so their specific meaning wasn’t as important...just their ideas and the combination of them in all to summarize it (the title). I’ll try to post some of what I intended the poem to mean, and hopefully that will clarify why I used reminisced, and other words

sorry about causing any sweater ptsd, hopefully the cow enjoyed it  

(01-26-2018, 06:21 PM)nibbed Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.



I originally had the title as "we cease the chase" but wasn't entirely happy with that, so I changed it. Still not sure about this one, but would like to know which one you all preferred, or if you liked neither.

I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit jelly your very first poem is so bright and clever.
An all over wonderful package, no matter how many folks have read and ignored,
maybe feared to comment . Could they be jelly, too? I like the title you chose.
I like the poem because in my own mind it takes a harrowing struggle & pokes it
with a tickle stick.

-nibbed


p.s. welcome here

Nibbed...you know what is expected of the crits in the intensive forum. I cannot believe that you believe that your feeble note-to-self and any stray bystander in any way constitutes useful critique. Now come on, straighten up and fly right. You would expect more from others.
Mod

---

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiencyI can tell in this first line that you (or ewe) are going to play word games...but just remember, to be clever you have to BE clever....not obscure. So I ask myself, what does this mean...and the answer? I am not clever enough to know. So clarify...otherwise only very clever people and those who will not admit that they have no idea what you are talking about will say "Oh, jolly well done".
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency See what I mean?
Err
 be mistaken or incorrect; make a mistake.

"the judge had erred in ruling that the evidence was inadmissible"
synonyms:
make a mistake, be wrong, be in error, be mistaken, mistake, make a blunder, blunder, be incorrect, be inaccurate, misjudge, miscalculate, get things/something/it wrong, bark up the wrong tree, get the wrong end of the stick, be wide of the mark;
Quite apart from the noun/verb error, it maketh no sense. Sorry, but this is in Intensive crit and that is what you will get...nothing personal and no offence intended.

To crumble amongst the bushes
While a predicament flows by;Analysis is for the birds. If you want it to be clear make it clear. The words SOUND good but carry no information...as predicted.
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,The outdated capitalisation of every line tells me that you read some very old poetry books or have not read any poetry for a long time...oh, I know some very GOOD poets still do it but that is because they are very good poets and may be redeemed by what they write. Here, it only adds to grammatical confusion.
While I tended my ewe
Ere she disappeared my view,more commonly, if ever, e're
Granted to greener pasturesGranted to....????
As greenest surely cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.Gobbledygook...if you cannot find a rhyme for exist...change exist.


Original:

Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

There is always a bit of me that strives to see what the writer is seeing....and I can only say that what you are seeing is not being "given" to me. That is NOT to say that you have nothing to give...there may well be an interesting, if not worthy, piece of poetry in here somewhere.  Suggestion. Write down the encapsulation of the thought or point or  purpose of the poem. Now look at what you can do to SHOW the reader what you have written using imagery, metaphor, alliteration...anything but gobbledygook. Would you EVER say "As greenest cannot exist within the boundaries reminisced"? If what you are saying is " In a world of green pastures, trees and plants...with such immense variation of colour...I cannot recall from memory being able to say what is the greenest thing I saw". Not very poetic? No, of course not...it is your poem...now make that line in to poetry.
On the capitalisation issue, we use punctuation to clarify structure. One of the "rules"...breakable as mentioned above and for proper names...is that capital letters begin a sentence. Use outside this excellent dogma is not worthwhile as nothing is gained by it.
Best,
 tectak

(01-28-2018, 10:20 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 06:21 PM)nibbed Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
Since greenest surely cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.



I originally had the title as "we cease the chase" but wasn't entirely happy with that, so I changed it. Still not sure about this one, but would like to know which one you all preferred, or if you liked neither.

I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit jelly your very first poem is so bright and clever.
An all over wonderful package, no matter how many folks have read and ignored,
maybe feared to comment . Could they be jelly, too? I like the title you chose.
I like the poem because in my own mind it takes a harrowing struggle & pokes it
with a tickle stick.

-nibbed


p.s. welcome here

Nibbed...you know what is expected of the crits in the intensive forum. I cannot believe that you believe that your feeble note-to-self and any stray bystander in any way constitutes useful critique. Now come on, straighten up and fly right. You would expect more from others.
Mod

---

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiencyI can tell in this first line that you (or ewe) are going to play word games...but just remember, to be clever you have to BE clever....not obscure. So I ask myself, what does this mean...and the answer? I am not clever enough to know. So clarify...otherwise only very clever people and those who will not admit that they have no idea what you are talking about will say "Oh, jolly well done".
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency See what I mean?
Err
 be mistaken or incorrect; make a mistake.

"the judge had erred in ruling that the evidence was inadmissible"
synonyms:
make a mistake, be wrong, be in error, be mistaken, mistake, make a blunder, blunder, be incorrect, be inaccurate, misjudge, miscalculate, get things/something/it wrong, bark up the wrong tree, get the wrong end of the stick, be wide of the mark;
Quite apart from the noun/verb error, it maketh no sense. Sorry, but this is in Intensive crit and that is what you will get...nothing personal and no offence intended.

To crumble amongst the bushes
While a predicament flows by;Analysis is for the birds. If you want it to be clear make it clear. The words SOUND good but carry no information...as predicted.
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,The outdated capitalisation of every line tells me that you read some very old poetry books or have not read any poetry for a long time...oh, I know some very GOOD poets still do it but that is because they are very good poets and may be redeemed by what they write. Here, it only adds to grammatical confusion.
While I tended my ewe
Ere she disappeared my view,more commonly, if ever, e're
Granted to greener pasturesGranted to....????
As greenest surely cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.Gobbledygook...if you cannot find a rhyme for exist...change exist.


Original:

Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

There is always a bit of me that strives to see what the writer is seeing....and I can only say that what you are seeing is not being "given" to me. That is NOT to say that you have nothing to give...there may well be an interesting, if not worthy, piece of poetry in here somewhere.  Suggestion. Write down the encapsulation of the thought or point or  purpose of the poem. Now look at what you can do to SHOW the reader what you have written using imagery, metaphor, alliteration...anything but gobbledygook. Would you EVER say "As greenest cannot exist within the boundaries reminisced"? If what you are saying is " In a world of green pastures, trees and plants...with such immense variation of colour...I cannot recall from memory being able to say what is the greenest thing I saw". Not very poetic? No, of course not...it is your poem...now make that line in to poetry.
On the capitalisation issue, we use punctuation to clarify structure. One of the "rules"...breakable as mentioned above and for proper names...is that capital letters begin a sentence. Use outside this excellent dogma is not worthwhile as nothing is gained by it.
Best,
 tectak

Thanks for your honest feedback...I do agree its purpose might not have been clear enough. On the capitalization issue, that was something I just forgot about completely...because every time I typed a new line it automatically capitalized it. I tried to clear it up, and hopefully didn’t sacrifice too much in the way but let me know what you think of this: 

Spiraling towards efficiency
the simpleton vanished.
And rich atrocities
had a devious tendency 
to crumble amongst the bushes,
while a predicament flows by.

To lie and weep
some type of sublime cry,
as ignorant modernities
failed to appease,
my vagabond sense of despondency.

Still I tended my ewe
ere she disappeared my view,
granted to greener pastures 
as greenest surely can’t exist
within these bound’ries reminisced

(01-29-2018, 01:55 AM)yimbus Wrote:  

(01-28-2018, 10:20 PM)tectak Wrote:  

(01-26-2018, 06:21 PM)nibbed Wrote:  I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit jelly your very first poem is so bright and clever.
An all over wonderful package, no matter how many folks have read and ignored,
maybe feared to comment . Could they be jelly, too? I like the title you chose.
I like the poem because in my own mind it takes a harrowing struggle & pokes it
with a tickle stick.

-nibbed


p.s. welcome here

Nibbed...you know what is expected of the crits in the intensive forum. I cannot believe that you believe that your feeble note-to-self and any stray bystander in any way constitutes useful critique. Now come on, straighten up and fly right. You would expect more from others.
Mod

---

(01-26-2018, 01:53 PM)yimbus Wrote:  Spiraling towards efficiencyI can tell in this first line that you (or ewe) are going to play word games...but just remember, to be clever you have to BE clever....not obscure. So I ask myself, what does this mean...and the answer? I am not clever enough to know. So clarify...otherwise only very clever people and those who will not admit that they have no idea what you are talking about will say "Oh, jolly well done".
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency See what I mean?
Err
 be mistaken or incorrect; make a mistake.

"the judge had erred in ruling that the evidence was inadmissible"
synonyms:
make a mistake, be wrong, be in error, be mistaken, mistake, make a blunder, blunder, be incorrect, be inaccurate, misjudge, miscalculate, get things/something/it wrong, bark up the wrong tree, get the wrong end of the stick, be wide of the mark;
Quite apart from the noun/verb error, it maketh no sense. Sorry, but this is in Intensive crit and that is what you will get...nothing personal and no offence intended.

To crumble amongst the bushes
While a predicament flows by;Analysis is for the birds. If you want it to be clear make it clear. The words SOUND good but carry no information...as predicted.
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,The outdated capitalisation of every line tells me that you read some very old poetry books or have not read any poetry for a long time...oh, I know some very GOOD poets still do it but that is because they are very good poets and may be redeemed by what they write. Here, it only adds to grammatical confusion.
While I tended my ewe
Ere she disappeared my view,more commonly, if ever, e're
Granted to greener pasturesGranted to....????
As greenest surely cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.Gobbledygook...if you cannot find a rhyme for exist...change exist.


Original:

Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

There is always a bit of me that strives to see what the writer is seeing....and I can only say that what you are seeing is not being "given" to me. That is NOT to say that you have nothing to give...there may well be an interesting, if not worthy, piece of poetry in here somewhere.  Suggestion. Write down the encapsulation of the thought or point or  purpose of the poem. Now look at what you can do to SHOW the reader what you have written using imagery, metaphor, alliteration...anything but gobbledygook. Would you EVER say "As greenest cannot exist within the boundaries reminisced"? If what you are saying is " In a world of green pastures, trees and plants...with such immense variation of colour...I cannot recall from memory being able to say what is the greenest thing I saw". Not very poetic? No, of course not...it is your poem...now make that line in to poetry.
On the capitalisation issue, we use punctuation to clarify structure. One of the "rules"...breakable as mentioned above and for proper names...is that capital letters begin a sentence. Use outside this excellent dogma is not worthwhile as nothing is gained by it.
Best,
 tectak

Thanks for your honest feedback...I do agree its purpose might not have been clear enough. On the capitalization issue, that was something I just forgot about completely...because every time I typed a new line it automatically capitalized it. I tried to clear it up, and hopefully didn’t sacrifice too much in the way but let me know what you think of this: 

Spiraling towards efficiencySpinning round in decreasing circles towards maximum revolutions per minute, compliant, of course with the conservation of angular momentum,
the simpleton vanished.the person of limited intelligence miraculously and spontaneously disappeared.
And rich atrocities Concurrently, an extremely wealthy anthropomorphised chain-saw severed the heads off several blind, orphaned children,
had a devious tendency patently, this was difficult to keep hidden but nonetheless as the multi-billionaire anthropomorphised chain-saw had been inclined to do this sort of thing before
to crumble amongst the bushes,so thence cunningly hid in the bushes, and by some unknown-to-science accelerated process of decay became a heap of frangible metal and plastic.
while a predicament flows by.In the meantime, his old anthropomorphised friend, the dangerously compromised river, passed by.

To lie and weepMusing on the consequences of not telling the truth,  brought tears to the eyes of someone...or something...
some type of sublime cry,resulting in the issuing forth of an indescribable but extremely beautiful (ahem) scream.
as ignorant modernitiesBeing, quite naturally, entirely and hopelessly devoid of any vestige of school-room rote, and of a contemporaneous disposition, 
failed to appease,this indeterminate and undefined figment was unable to rise to the occasion and everyone else though so to.
my vagabond sense of despondency.....and if I may interject, somewhat akin to my own rascally sense of of abject sadness....for some reason.

Still I tended my eweNotwithstanding the nature of events around me, I continued to perform acts of unmentionable service upon my ewe... 
ere she disappeared my view,...but not being aware of the condition known as "standing oestrus" in sheep I thought a hasty approach would do it...but no...she was orf(look it up) and out of sight.
granted to greener pastures admittedly, she headed of towards a bit of field which looked a a tad greener...isn't it always the way....but
as greenest surely can’t existas far as I can see there was no way a bloody sheep, with those funny slitty eyes, could tell what constituted a maximum  green without an anthropomorphised photo-spectrum analyser coming along....
within these bound’ries reminiscedat least as far as I can whistfully recall in this particular meadow.

Yes...much better. I can see it all, now. What the hell are you on and can I have some? 
Again with the best of intentions...don't mince up words. You write like a whirling and it duress me....even nibbed is feeling a bit aspic.
Superlative,
 tectak