Ere the Err of the Ewe -edited

[yimbus]

Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.



I originally had the title as "we cease the chase" but wasn't entirely happy with that, so I changed it. Still not sure about this one, but would like to know which one you all preferred, or if you liked neither.

I have to admit, I'm feeling a bit jelly your very first poem is so bright and clever.
An all over wonderful package, no matter how many folks have read and ignored,
maybe feared to comment . Could they be jelly, too? I like the title you chose.
I like the poem because in my own mind it takes a harrowing struggle & pokes it
with a tickle stick.

-nibbed


p.s. welcome here

haha, thanks. wouldn't say its my first poem, just the first one I felt strongly enough about to try to get out in the open.

---

Spiraling towards efficiency
The grey sweater vanished,
Yet err had a tendency
To crumble amongst the bushes,
While a predicament flows by;
To lie and weep
Some type of sublime cry,
While I tended my ewe
Ere they disappeared my view,
Granted to greener pastures
As greenest cannot exist,
Within these boundaries reminisced.

I'd go with  "Ere the Err of the Ewe" because it's a better fit to the poem.
Love the line: "Spiraling towards efficiency".
Line 5: There's got to be a better word than "flow" .

But overall: exceedingly clever!
Ray

thank you. the first line is one I've thought of many times but just decided to write an entire piece around it a few days ago. I was using flow to try to depict some imagery going along with the bush and pasture but I do agree it might be the most awkward line in the poem. will try to think  of some alternative words