01-25-2018, 12:22 AM
Hi Estefanie,
I think you're going in the right direction with the revision.
A couple of thoughts:
Firstly, the opening stanza seems to be a précis of the whole poem.
If viewed as instructions then everything after it feels slightly redundant.
If you don't like the idea of bracketing the piece starting with L1/2 and
ending with L3/4, then perhaps you might consider dividing the piece into
four and having each line of S1 as the first line of a quarter.
Secondly, I think it might be more effective as a metaphor if you
removed all the 'emotional' elements from it.
Let the physical represent the emotional.
Just a cut and paste idea;
Breathe slowly
glued Skin-bound,
each piece leaves [you]
mark[ed].
Breathe deep
No dirt. [Bear}
the itching
beneath
Heal slowly
slow transmutation
sterile, a carnal
drag.
Heal deep
Hold your breath
pull it apart,
[slowly]
unfold
the fresh scar.
I think you're going in the right direction with the revision.
A couple of thoughts:
Firstly, the opening stanza seems to be a précis of the whole poem.
If viewed as instructions then everything after it feels slightly redundant.
If you don't like the idea of bracketing the piece starting with L1/2 and
ending with L3/4, then perhaps you might consider dividing the piece into
four and having each line of S1 as the first line of a quarter.
Secondly, I think it might be more effective as a metaphor if you
removed all the 'emotional' elements from it.
Let the physical represent the emotional.
Just a cut and paste idea;
Breathe slowly
glued Skin-bound,
each piece leaves [you]
mark[ed].
Breathe deep
No dirt. [Bear}
the itching
beneath
Heal slowly
slow transmutation
sterile, a carnal
drag.
Heal deep
Hold your breath
pull it apart,
[slowly]
unfold
the fresh scar.