The Fucking Band-Aid

[Estefanie.V]

Breathe slowly       The repetition of these lines brings me into the poem. The breathing first makes me think of immediately after the wound  
Breathe deep         and the healing after the bandaging.
Heal slowly          
Heal deep

Skin-bound              I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be a compound word. It reads better if it is a dash "Skin - bound" rather than hyphenated as
                                    it is.
gluing each piece      This line I felt was awkward in this section. I suggest removing it.
healing it good
leaves a mark

Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair       I would put "aroused by repair" on it's own line to keep the flow of the previous and following lines.
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.                                  Is "Leftover" supposed to be capitalized?

Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,             Same question for "The" as above.
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.

Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust          I think "against dust and rust" should be it's own line.
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.                         I don't understand the use of the word carnal here as the meaning of the word seems inappropriate for this line.

Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.



Overall I thought is was decent. I had a hard time understanding parts of it. I read it as not being a real physical wound, but an emotional one due to the Juliet reference and some of the description strayed from that metaphor.

Thank you so much Scarlet for your time and input   I have had the idea for this poem for a while now so I decided to start structuring it and it was harder than I thought for a couple of reasons. First, English is my second language so I know that I always run the risk of formulating awkward sentences. Second, I wanted to make a metaphor of a very particular situation that I think not many think about, but it's very very common. I would like to give away my metaphor but before that, I would like to know if the changes I've made to the poem make it easier to understand. And yes you are right, I am talking mostly about an emotional wound and its healing process. So that's why I appreciate your feedback a lot! It's been very helpful!

---

Hi Estefanie,
slightly baffled but happily intrigued.

Not sure that the title serves you well,
particularly given the opening two lines.
(Though I suppose there's an interesting
ambiguity in the verb - especially where
S3/4 are concerned)

The Fucking Band-Aid

Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
excellent start,
Heal slowly
Heal deep
I don't think these work here
(though you might consider ending with them).

Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
rather an ugly line.
leaves a mark
just a suggestion:
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark.

Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
this seems a little overcrowded
(and reads like a list)
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
could you pare back to;
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some Juliet left ?
Or even cut the whole verse
entirely as it seems slightly
out of place relative to
the others.

Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
similarly here;
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.

Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
the meat seems to be in the last
three lines, though I'm lost on 'drag'

Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Again, last three lines do most
of the work. It's a good end line.
I think it would be better
if you could connect the fourth
line more directly to the opening
couplet. At the risk of repetition
I think lines 3 and 4 (S1) would
work here.

Hope this helps.

Best, Knot.

Thank you very much Knot for your feedback! It has been of great help! As I was telling Scarlet, this is pretty much a very rough draft of an idea for a poem that I've had in my mind for a long time now. And it really helps me to know the confusing or awkward parts. I've used many of your suggestion for its edition and hopefully it makes it easier to understand. I have revised some parts of the poem and I would like to know what you think about it before I explicitly say what the metaphor is about which is mostly about a specific emotional situation.