01-22-2018, 04:36 AM
Hi Estefanie,
slightly baffled but happily intrigued.
Not sure that the title serves you well,
particularly given the opening two lines.
(Though I suppose there's an interesting
ambiguity in the verb - especially where
S3/4 are concerned)
The Fucking Band-Aid
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
excellent start,
Heal slowly
Heal deep
I don't think these work here
(though you might consider ending with them).
Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
rather an ugly line.
leaves a mark
just a suggestion:
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark.
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
this seems a little overcrowded
(and reads like a list)
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
could you pare back to;
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some Juliet left ?
Or even cut the whole verse
entirely as it seems slightly
out of place relative to
the others.
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
similarly here;
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
the meat seems to be in the last
three lines, though I'm lost on 'drag'
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Again, last three lines do most
of the work. It's a good end line.
I think it would be better
if you could connect the fourth
line more directly to the opening
couplet. At the risk of repetition
I think lines 3 and 4 (S1) would
work here.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
slightly baffled but happily intrigued.
Not sure that the title serves you well,
particularly given the opening two lines.
(Though I suppose there's an interesting
ambiguity in the verb - especially where
S3/4 are concerned)
The Fucking Band-Aid
Breathe slowly
Breathe deep
excellent start,
Heal slowly
Heal deep
I don't think these work here
(though you might consider ending with them).
Skin-bound
gluing each piece
healing it good
rather an ugly line.
leaves a mark
just a suggestion:
glued Skin - bound,
each piece leaves
a mark.
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair
licking the gash
this seems a little overcrowded
(and reads like a list)
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth.
could you pare back to;
aroused by repair
licking the gash
some Juliet left ?
Or even cut the whole verse
entirely as it seems slightly
out of place relative to
the others.
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath,
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
similarly here;
No dirt. the itching
beneath, bearing it,
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag.
the meat seems to be in the last
three lines, though I'm lost on 'drag'
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Again, last three lines do most
of the work. It's a good end line.
I think it would be better
if you could connect the fourth
line more directly to the opening
couplet. At the risk of repetition
I think lines 3 and 4 (S1) would
work here.
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.