01-20-2018, 03:45 AM
Breathe slowly The repetition of these lines brings me into the poem. The breathing first makes me think of immediately after the wound
Breathe deep and the healing after the bandaging.
Heal slowly
Heal deep
Skin-bound I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be a compound word. It reads better if it is a dash "Skin - bound" rather than hyphenated as
it is.
gluing each piece This line I felt was awkward in this section. I suggest removing it.
healing it good
leaves a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair I would put "aroused by repair" on it's own line to keep the flow of the previous and following lines.
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth. Is "Leftover" supposed to be capitalized?
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath, Same question for "The" as above.
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust I think "against dust and rust" should be it's own line.
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag. I don't understand the use of the word carnal here as the meaning of the word seems inappropriate for this line.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Overall I thought is was decent. I had a hard time understanding parts of it. I read it as not being a real physical wound, but an emotional one due to the Juliet reference and some of the description strayed from that metaphor.
Breathe deep and the healing after the bandaging.
Heal slowly
Heal deep
Skin-bound I wasn't sure if this was supposed to be a compound word. It reads better if it is a dash "Skin - bound" rather than hyphenated as
it is.
gluing each piece This line I felt was awkward in this section. I suggest removing it.
healing it good
leaves a mark
Passion to heal
addicted to mend, aroused by repair I would put "aroused by repair" on it's own line to keep the flow of the previous and following lines.
licking the gash
some past Juliets left
Leftover warmth. Is "Leftover" supposed to be capitalized?
Stick to it
such a good job
The itching beneath, Same question for "The" as above.
no scratching allowed.
Stuck to it, bearing it
worn down, well done.
no dirt, no mud
fondling the wound.
Techniques to re-build
under water and heat, against dust and rust I think "against dust and rust" should be it's own line.
Distinct alteration
slow transmutation
from a sterile device
to a carnal drag. I don't understand the use of the word carnal here as the meaning of the word seems inappropriate for this line.
Eroded and sloppy starts to detach
no more affection,
lust or infections
Holding your breath
pull it apart
unfold the fresh scar.
Overall I thought is was decent. I had a hard time understanding parts of it. I read it as not being a real physical wound, but an emotional one due to the Juliet reference and some of the description strayed from that metaphor.