01-03-2018, 09:15 PM
(01-03-2018, 03:34 AM)Erthona Wrote: Patently Informed
"Mack the Knife" was leaning on the bar
leering at Mary, knowing she wouldn't go far;
not as far as he wanted her too. But, still "to" instead of "too" ? i think you could leave out "but, still" and write "at least not as far..." in the next line
he felt compelled to stick to her like Elmer's glue, suggestion for rhythm: "he still felt compelled to be sticking like glue" (but maybe i miss something significant about elmer´s)
or like something you can't get off the bottom not so sure what this line adds, sticky things on the bottom are funny but continuing from here with a pierced heart seems like some irony i don´t get.
of your shoe. Mack's heart had be pierced by "had been" or "had to be"?
one of the spikes that nailed Jesus to the cross.
He was bound solid and knew there was no getting away, i like the dark turn, this enjambment provides
short of the grave and Mack always did what a line break after "grave" would make this part more intense. (and the next break after "needed to do")
he needed to do, no regrets, no looking away. not sure about "no regrets" but i think "no looking away" is a very good point.
"Poetic Justice", some were heard to say. actually i think this would be a good ending line but this is probably due to me not quite getting the purpose of the last 6 lines.
I don't know I never met him, I just saw the show.
Saw "J. C. Superstar" but I never met the man.
These days it's all so third hand and
here I am with only two.
Nothing to do
guess I'll watch some Scooby-Doo.
had to read the wiki article on JC superstar since i did not see the show.
if i get it right, they added a lot about judas´ internal conflicts to the passion, even going so far as having him commit suicide .
i like your idea of renaming judas the way you did .
found an alternative last stanza of "the ballad of mack the knife" which somehow i thought fitting to (my subjective view of) your poem.
"There are some who are in darkness
And the others are in light
And you see the ones in brightness
Those in darkness drop from sight."
erthon ©2018
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