10-13-2017, 02:59 AM
Good title, works well.
On first reading, what strikes most forcefully is the repetition of 'she' (15 in 23 lines).
Would the beginning still work as;
Crossing the threshold
feels like sleepwalking ?
I think you need a bit more detail here of the journey to the cleaning aisle.
it's a bit of a leap from 'threshold'.
L4. Is the voice she's hearing internal or external? And when are 'messes' not unwanted?
L6. 'expired taffy...exists' - works very well.
If you're not taken with expanding the opening, then I'd suggest moving
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bathe her like a cold shower.
(L9/10) to L3/4
as this would more firmly establish the scene. Also, that she is, to some extent, waking from sleepwalking.
L12 and L14 are essentially saying the same thing, and L14 is, I think, is the more effective of the two.
L15. feels like too much of a weak pun/joke on 'made', I don't think it works.
L18/19. These seem to me to be a bit clunky, though it could be because L20 is a really good line.
L21-3. I don't think these lines do anything really. The piece might have a stronger finish if it stopped at L20 (though you might change 'pay')
I think it would improve the appearance (and to an extent readability) were you to present it in, say, four-line stanzas. With a bit more attention paid to line breaks, you're not making the most of them, I think. Just a quick sketch:
Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she feels like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted
by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky, so sweet,
yet barely fulfilling
a need she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes,
allowing fluorescent lights
to bathe her like a cold shower.
She stumbles to the next aisle,
tries to forget her purpose:
...
Best, Knot.
On first reading, what strikes most forcefully is the repetition of 'she' (15 in 23 lines).
Would the beginning still work as;
Crossing the threshold
feels like sleepwalking ?
I think you need a bit more detail here of the journey to the cleaning aisle.
it's a bit of a leap from 'threshold'.
L4. Is the voice she's hearing internal or external? And when are 'messes' not unwanted?
L6. 'expired taffy...exists' - works very well.
If you're not taken with expanding the opening, then I'd suggest moving
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bathe her like a cold shower.
(L9/10) to L3/4
as this would more firmly establish the scene. Also, that she is, to some extent, waking from sleepwalking.
L12 and L14 are essentially saying the same thing, and L14 is, I think, is the more effective of the two.
L15. feels like too much of a weak pun/joke on 'made', I don't think it works.
L18/19. These seem to me to be a bit clunky, though it could be because L20 is a really good line.
L21-3. I don't think these lines do anything really. The piece might have a stronger finish if it stopped at L20 (though you might change 'pay')
I think it would improve the appearance (and to an extent readability) were you to present it in, say, four-line stanzas. With a bit more attention paid to line breaks, you're not making the most of them, I think. Just a quick sketch:
Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she feels like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes
until she is distracted
by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky, so sweet,
yet barely fulfilling
a need she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes,
allowing fluorescent lights
to bathe her like a cold shower.
She stumbles to the next aisle,
tries to forget her purpose:
...
Best, Knot.