01-03-2018, 05:03 AM
Tom,
I like this part (although I see no need to diverge from the standard, "into").
"back in to a world now real,
leaves us stripped of all delusion.
This is it,
at last,
I see."
The overall metaphor is hardly fresh. A more compact version was in a Bible that my grandmother gave me.
The other point is that most of the poem has no rhythmic underpinning making it read more like prose and rather than a proper metaphor as I called it it is more what Lewis called "feigning", which tends to be an element of prose.
I'm not going to go line by line, as I don't think we will find the problem nor the solution there, but I will examine the first sentence.
"We start our life deluded by the world we hear around us, then prise our eyes to open to the sight of what is real.
If we take away the poetic lineation (probably need a semi-colon after "us" instead of a comma, unless you wish to insert "we" between "then" and "prise" and have two independent clauses), Then it reads quite like prose. "first there is this, then there is that." A lot of the poem appears to follow this same semi-logical causality, Which to me seems to me more in line with rhetoric. Sorry, but this is very much in a telling mode not a showing mode. I tried to push the first sentence towards a more poetic form, but just couldn't, just don't have the energy, sorry.
dale
I like this part (although I see no need to diverge from the standard, "into").
"back in to a world now real,
leaves us stripped of all delusion.
This is it,
at last,
I see."
The overall metaphor is hardly fresh. A more compact version was in a Bible that my grandmother gave me.
The other point is that most of the poem has no rhythmic underpinning making it read more like prose and rather than a proper metaphor as I called it it is more what Lewis called "feigning", which tends to be an element of prose.
I'm not going to go line by line, as I don't think we will find the problem nor the solution there, but I will examine the first sentence.
"We start our life deluded by the world we hear around us, then prise our eyes to open to the sight of what is real.
If we take away the poetic lineation (probably need a semi-colon after "us" instead of a comma, unless you wish to insert "we" between "then" and "prise" and have two independent clauses), Then it reads quite like prose. "first there is this, then there is that." A lot of the poem appears to follow this same semi-logical causality, Which to me seems to me more in line with rhetoric. Sorry, but this is very much in a telling mode not a showing mode. I tried to push the first sentence towards a more poetic form, but just couldn't, just don't have the energy, sorry.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.