First Edit: Dreamless

[Richard]

First Edit:
Dreamless

Sleep's distraction ends once he cries,
dark stumblings remind me
of my forgotten dream
until it disappears in the light.

His hands reach,
this wordless command a reassurance
that all is not lost.

I used to write my worries in notebooks,
words like "Autism" and "delayed"
poor rhyme choices.
But too many of my pens went dry
and were tossed aside...




Original:

Dreamless

Sleep infects my brain until he starts to cry.
Then dark stumbling, light's blinding help,
his soothing a nightly occurrence.
His little hands reach
with the greatest necessity I've ever known.
Palms press again my shoulders,
his wordless commands a small reassurance
that all is not lost.
I write my worries in notebooks,
carelessly left on cluttered desks,
words like "Autism" and "delayed" poor rhyme choices.
Too many of my pens gone dry and tossed aside...

This poem is a sequel of sorts to "Sleepless". I'm wondering if it works as its own piece, or if I should merge the two poems? Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

[vagabond]

Dreamless


Dreamless

Sleep infects my brain until he starts to cry.
Then dark stumbling, light's blinding help,              while i like the way you phrase sleep-drunkenness so poetically i think it doesn´t add to the poem a lot.
his soothing a nightly occurrence.                            i´d write "soothing him" and "recurrence" instead of occurence.
His little hands reach
with the greatest necessity I've ever known.       maybe tune this down a bit  
Palms press again my shoulders,           did you mean "against"?  wouldn´t reaching lead to baby´s hands curling around a finger or two? or is it specifically "press against shoulders", that somehow gives me a very different image which i am  not sure is deliberate.
his wordless commands a small reassurance            maybe "his wordless pleas assure that all´s not lost" to give that sentence a verb. also i´d leave "small" out, since the scene wants more hope in my view.
that all is not lost.                                                               
I write my worries in notebooks,
carelessly left on cluttered desks,                       i think you could leave that line out it seems distracting (to me)
words like "Autism" and "delayed" poor rhyme choices.          perfect way to describe attempts to deal with worries that lack answers.
Too many of my pens gone dry and tossed aside...                 pens gone dry is very touching.. seems something else went dry.        

This poem is a sequel of sorts to "Sleepless". I'm wondering if it works as its own piece, or if I should merge the two poems? Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Richard!
i think this works more like a prequel, but i do think it stands well alone.
not sure if the title is ideal..

[Richard]

Hey vagabond,
Thanks for the feedback. Some of what you said addressed some concerns I had. For example, I was unsure if the necessity line was too sentimental. You've definitely given me some ideas for moving forward with this piece.

Thanks again,
Richard

[flowerburgers]

Dreamless

Sleep infects my brain until he starts to cry. (Who?)
Then dark stumbling, light's blinding help, (I like this a lot)
his soothing a nightly occurrence.
His little hands reach
with the greatest necessity I've ever known. (Could this be condensed to "His little hands reach / with great necessity"? Keep things more condensed? Just an idea.)
Palms press again my shoulders,
his wordless commands a small reassurance
that all is not lost. (This is abstract and leans towards cliche, but I like the sentiment) 
I write my worries in notebooks,
carelessly left on cluttered desks, (The alliteration here felt a little heavy-handed to me...but I'm picky when it comes to alliteration)
words like "Autism" and "delayed" poor rhyme choices. (This line read to me as awkward and unclear, but I really like the direction you took with this poem. Interesting stuff!)
Too many of my pens gone dry and tossed aside... (Great last line)

This poem is a sequel of sorts to "Sleepless". I'm wondering if it works as its own piece, or if I should merge the two poems? Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated.

Hi Richard,

I liked the premise here, although you might make clearer early on that the narrator is talking about a child--presumably his child? It became apparent quickly as I got deeper into the poem, but my first question when I began to read was, "Who is he?" I also wonder if you could spend more time exploring the child's disability, showing it more concretely rather than giving the reader that information near the end. I thought he was an infant until I got to that line. Now I wonder if the boy is older? I didn't read him as disabled until you told us.

[Richard]

Hey flowerburgers,
Thanks for the feedback. I've been letting this one sit for a bit before attempting an edit.

Thanks again,
Richard

---

Hey all,
I got looking at this one tonight and decided to play around with it. Feel free to let me know if it's an improvement.

Thanks in advance,
Richard

[Knot]

Hi Richard,
in answer to your question, yes I think you should merge this with Sleepless.
But I'd suggest taking a slightly different approach (flowerburgers observations
are to the point I think) - don't make this about 'him' but about 'you'.

Start with

I used to write my worries in notebooks,
words like "Autism" and "delayed"
poor rhyme choices.
But too many of my pens went dry
and were tossed aside...

and see where it takes you.

Both pieces seem rather timid, as if you don't want to confront the subject (yet).
A position with which I empathise.

Best, Knot.

[Richard]

Hey Knot,
Thanks for the feedback. This one is still a work in progress.

Thanks again,
Richard