12-29-2017, 01:32 AM
(12-29-2017, 12:52 AM)tectak Wrote:
We start our life deluded
by the world we hear around us,
then prise our eyes to open to the sight of what is real.
At first no strength nor sinew lifts to higher skies above us and we fall and stumble onwards as we learn to touch and feel. i like the anatomical reference to sinews, can´t explain why, maybe the mechanical view
Toes, then knees, then feet… then free, from arms beneath our own raised hands, which held and supported as we went our jerky way.
This is the first delusion and it lasts until we realise, quite suddenly, that what we thought we had ‘til now was ours to keep and ours alone,
only to find our gift of life was not unique. Childhood ran beside us; it kicked and bit and pulled our hair and screamed when we hit back. i think you could put a comma after "us" and leave out "it".
Through this we learned that others, too, have feelings, mirroring alarmingly our own…in some it comes quite early on, in others after years. i would give "mirroring alarmingly" its own line. i like that line, that we learn through our very first (childhood) experiences, what to make of the world. a pretty heavy thought. reminds me of a friend once telling me "essentially we stay the same".
With words gleaned from a dictionary drifting in our noisy space, we pick up, more or less, enough to share our dreams… "enough to share our dreams" - a real good line.. there´s a lot in it.
and dreams are all we have until some other love befalls us, and only then does sharing become necessity. maybe a line break after the comma " / and only then will sharing be necessity"
i love that thought: sharing becomes necessity.
Deluded once, now once again, how proud we are, how big our car, how wonderful our country pad.
Of course, it was not ever true that things were equal (or seemed so)…the weak will trip and stay behind,
some will not rise to touch the sky, some will fall before a day, while others take a slow, down path.
None care enough, not you or I…we who held fast to somesuch plan. Not a scheme we made ourselves, suggest a line break after plan (just personal preference i guess)
a given route from where we were to where we went; oh, no…delusionary gods,
advisors, mentors, coaches, teachers…wiser men and less wise preachers…
all conspired to divert us from destiny, a known unknown. i think you could leave out "us". maybe even a line break after "divert"
The last long breath that draws us stumbling
back in to a world now real,
leaves us stripped just for rhythm maybe insert a "that"
of all delusion.
This is it,
at last,
I see. i don´t quite know what to make of that ending, it seems almost unfinished. after all those insightful thoughts, is nihilism (which is what i got here) really the end?
this is a just a very quick impression and maybe i ll find other things to comment on later, but well, here it is.
...