11-12-2017, 10:09 PM
hello nibbed..
i think your message is strong.
you could write "you" instead of "someone who hurt my soul", this fact comes out clear enough in the poem.
see where it takes you when you adress "her" directly.
i´d strip"painful family.." from "secrets" , since they´re supposed to remain secrets there´s no need to specify, or maybe rather no way to specify.
i love the line "to protect her from fainting".
the cheap plastic idols seem a meta for something that needs to be rejected, maybe her views on.. for you to know what.
maybe you don´t really need "she gave me that day" as i´d assume there are more of them idols because you write the subject was buried..
so.. all these suggestions could be crap cos they only fit the way i ve read your poem.
i think your message is strong.
you could write "you" instead of "someone who hurt my soul", this fact comes out clear enough in the poem.
see where it takes you when you adress "her" directly.
i´d strip"painful family.." from "secrets" , since they´re supposed to remain secrets there´s no need to specify, or maybe rather no way to specify.
i love the line "to protect her from fainting".
the cheap plastic idols seem a meta for something that needs to be rejected, maybe her views on.. for you to know what.
maybe you don´t really need "she gave me that day" as i´d assume there are more of them idols because you write the subject was buried..
so.. all these suggestions could be crap cos they only fit the way i ve read your poem.
...