schlafes bruder (attempt at an edit; thanks to Youi, nibbed and CRNDLSM whose name i have to check everytime before i write it)
my lids turn heavy, tired times,
pale midnight calls me with low chimes
i follow her seducing notes
that draw me to an ancient boat.
the ferryman leans at the railing
asks if i ever have been sailing.
“close your lids” he says “and listen,
the sea grants anything you´re missing"
a whisper mumbles ´cross the sea:
“with me no force has hold on thee,
no vow required to earn my trust
and not a thing here is unjust.
I´ll strip all your regrets of meaning
just ask and you can find reprieve.
my place is warm, you´ll never chill
no doubt shall ever chain your will.
here you can fly with broken wings
and play love´s song on ruptured strings.
you only need untie the lace,
the last residual restraint”
a gasp for breath, confused, awake,
sheets gone, the fallacy decloaked.
no anwers wait in foggy seas,
all they can do is drown the queries.
schlafes bruder
my lids turn heavy, tired times, pale midnight calls me with low chimes, she guides me with seducing notes, and in the fog, an ancient boat. the ferryman leans at the railing asks if i ever have gone sailing. i shake my head, he pities me. “close your lids” says he “and see”. the ocean was behind my eyes, if only i were deaf and blind.
but whispers mumble through the sea: “with me no force has hold on thee, no vow required to earn my trust and not a thing here is unjust. things cruel I will all strip of meaning just ask and you can find reprieve. my place is warm, you´ll never chill no doubts shall ever chain your will here you can fly with broken wings and play love´s song on ruptured strings. it´s all you need, untie the lace, the last residual restraint”
a gasp for breath, confused, awake, sheets gone, the fallacy decloaked. no anwers in this foggy sea, it only would erase the queries.
(11-06-2017, 11:25 PM)vagabond Wrote: The main thing I noticed is your use of punctuation. I'll mostly explain what I think about that below.
schlafes bruder The title is not capitalized. Therefor I expect that consistency to remain throughout the poem.
my lids turn heavy, tired times, The consistency is satisfying here. I personally don't care whether a poet chooses to use proper punctuation or not, until I read through all the commas pale midnight calls me with low chimes, Your line breaks usually express breath and pause automatically, so I think I'm spending too much time pondering on your use of commas than the context of the poem. I don't think the commas are necessary, or grammatically correct. One thing to try is writing these lines out as sentences and seeing what you get. she guides me with seducing notes, and in the fog, an ancient boat. This period indicates and end of a thought, which I think would be more successful if you eliminate punctuation and break this part into separate stanzas. the ferryman leans at the railing asks if i ever have gone sailing. << i shake my head, he pities me. << “close your lids” says he “and see”. << the ocean was behind my eyes, if only i were deaf and blind. << In each of these parts, the whole thing would be smoother exercising line breaks instead of punctuation.
That being said, the lines "i shake my head, he pities me.//'close your lids' says he 'and see'." sound forced. It looks like you were focused so much on the rhythm that you overlooked its affect. The way it is worded sounds satirical.
but whispers mumble through the sea: “with me no force has hold on thee, no vow required to earn my trust and not a thing here is unjust. things cruel I will all strip of meaning I think the word "cruel" is a bit of a cliche. just ask and you can find reprieve. The word "just" breaks the rhythm in an awkward way, and the two lines together are worded in garbled way. my place is warm, you´ll never chill no doubts shall ever chain your will here you can fly with broken wings Bound-up wings? Wounded wings? Via consistency of the tying metaphor. and play love´s song on ruptured strings. it´s all you need, untie the lace, the last residual restraint”
a gasp for breath, confused, awake, sheets gone, the fallacy decloaked. no anwers in this foggy sea, it only would erase the queries. I've jumped to the end because it's a very important part of your work. I just noticed how the sea is the end of your poem, and the word itself ends the rhythm openly (I'm having trouble remembering the devices I'm talking about). da-DA-da-DA-da-Da-da-DA = "no anwers in this foggy sea"
You end the entire poem awkwardly with a closed-ended word: "queries" (DA-da). It doesn't settle well, and if I spent more time focused on the context then maybe I could see why you chose to end this way. But since I think the open-ended word sounds better, I suggest rephrasing it somehow and open with the word "sea".
hi Youi!
thanks for the comment.
you´re right about the clichéd parts.. but i sort of thought that was acceptable for a dream.
beside that i know that poem doesn´t say a lot.. so the rhyme and meter-attempts might be all it has.
i ll consider all you wrote and see if i can improve something.
11-13-2017, 10:16 AM (This post was last modified: 11-13-2017, 10:16 AM by CRNDLSM.)
It's getting more difficult for me to critique all the time, but I've always forced myself to do it. I like this poem but my reasons are vague.
(11-06-2017, 11:25 PM)vagabond Wrote: schlafes bruder sounds German, not going to look it up
my lids turn heavy, tired times, pale midnight calls me with low chimes, she guides me with seducing notes, and in the fog, an ancient boat. This is pretty nice rhyme and rhythm, and I usually don't consider words with and without 's' at the end cause the s sound is like an abrupt change. Boat and note, boats and notes the ferryman leans at the railing asks if i ever have gone sailing. i shake my head, he pities me. “close your lids” says he “and see”. the ocean was behind my eyes, if only i were deaf and blind. This one though blends the end rhyme with behind
but whispers mumble through the sea: “with me no force has hold on thee, no vow required to earn my trust and not a thing here is unjust. Period? Colon? things cruel I will all strip of meaning this sentence doesn't work for me, the twist in syntax and end rhyme just ask and you can find reprieve. my place is warm, you´ll never chill no doubts shall ever chain your will here you can fly with broken wings and play love´s song on ruptured strings. it´s all you need, untie the lace, the last residual restraint” I'm seeing a pattern in rhymes and slant rhymes here, lace/restraint works I think because of 'last', but 'it's all you need' is really cheesy
a gasp for breath, confused, awake, sheets gone, the fallacy decloaked. I like this change in endrhyme no anwers in this foggy sea, it only would erase the queries.i think 'would only' would sound better, as odd as it feels to say queries at the end
hi CRNDLSM! thanks for commenting, i´m slow with editing this maybe cos i wrote it quite a while ago, but i ll use your suggestions.
"schlafes bruder" means "sleep´s brother", which is an old-fashioned way to say "death" (i couldn´t come up with a good way to give it an english title)
schlafes bruder I had to look this up, because I am very simple and not so cosmopolitan
but perhaps many readers/intellectuals/poetry lovers are in the loop
my lids turn heavy, tired times, pale midnight calls me with low chimes, she guides me with seducing notes, and in the fog, an ancient boat. the ferryman leans at the railing asks if i ever have gone sailing. i shake my head, he pities me. “close your lids” says he “and see”. the ocean was behind my eyes, if only i were deaf and blind.
but whispers mumble through the sea: “with me no force has hold on thee, no vow required to earn my trust and not a thing here is unjust. things cruel I will all strip of meaning just ask and you can find reprieve. my place is warm, you´ll never chill no doubts shall ever chain your will here you can fly with broken wings and play love´s song on ruptured strings. it´s all you need, untie the lace, the last residual restraint” -the meter is cheating here, somehow, it properly appears and sometimes disappears with each read,
may need repair or reworking a gasp for breath, confused, awake, sheets gone, the fallacy decloaked. no anwers in this foggy sea, it only would erase the queries. -one beat too many
This poem had a good feeling about it and felt safe, but then
also suspect as I felt a sirens call, I guess or something of the sort,
perhaps an Illiad feel? All the same, it was a blessing.
