Angels Tossed Last Christmas

[nibbed]

Hi Nibbed
I like the emotion in the piece but I don't think it's as sharp (perhaps 'pointed') as it could be.
The opening two stanzas don't do very much, and, given N's pain having 'sometime' in the title doesn't really work.
It seems unlikely that N would forget exactly when these events happened.
So, with your permission, I'll start at S3.

I tossed away the cheap plastic crystal idols
This, I think, makes for a strong opening
Either 'plastic' or 'crystal', not both.
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
It feels like 'angels' are just included because of 'snowbank',does their shape really matter?
Also, 'idols' is a much more evocative term and 'angels' undercuts it.
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.
Not too sure about 'a mile' (just doesn't seem far enough as a gesture', nor 'living'.
I think there's a conversational quality to the piece that you could pursue.
Just a suggestion.
I tossed them away,
those cheap plastic idols
she gave me. Threw them
hard into a snowbank
on the other side of the road
as I raced away from her.
- This way you might leave the reader to fill in the blanks of the 'betrayal'.

I wondered if in the thaw
I think this verse should be present tense looking forward.
her own tires
would bury them
all of a sudden it's 'them'. Though, to be honest, I can't tell if it's a problem or not.
It does increase the possibilities, which may be all to the good.
And of course you could always change 'her' to 'them' in L16
in thick mud,
Emotionally, I would imagine that N have a bit more to say about the 'mud'
the same way
she buried me.
Punchy, yet ambiguous ending, nice.

Best, Knot.

Hello Knot

Thank you for the critique on my poem. I was wondering if I should choose plastic or crystal, too.
Yes, there is much to be said about the mud, it could be more descriptive. The title needs to be
cleaned up for sure!

all the best to you

nibbed

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Something went askew. You zipped and raced away. You're never going back. This is pretty much prose with line breaks and might be better served that way.  Think about it.

Thank you 71 degrees
I really do better at prose
if it is a bit longer more descriptive of a piece.
I will certainly consider it after my first revision, though,
because it makes perfect sense.

Thank you kindly!

-nibbed

I looked hard and couldn't find a simile. Nary a metaphor.  There's no alliteration...no personification. Figurative language is at a minimum. (maybe: "forever leaving behind..." or "...she buried me" might qualify here).

To my ear, this poem is telling a story, not showing me a story.  I don't dislike it...it's just I need to be shown why I should care about the person in this poem.  And if not, it might be more easily accomplished in prose form.  

I happen to like "place" poetry (e.g. Bumpy Snowy Road) but I want to know why you took me there.  What are you trying to show me?   For instance, what exactly are "family secrets?"  I'd like to know...but you never say.

thank you 71 degrees.
I will try to put it in prose form now,
as for the secrets, well, they will remain, secrets.

-nibbed