11-10-2017, 04:58 AM
Hi Nibbed
I like the emotion in the piece but I don't think it's as sharp (perhaps 'pointed') as it could be.
The opening two stanzas don't do very much, and, given N's pain having 'sometime' in the title doesn't really work.
It seems unlikely that N would forget exactly when these events happened.
So, with your permission, I'll start at S3.
I tossed away the cheap plastic crystal idols
This, I think, makes for a strong opening
Either 'plastic' or 'crystal', not both.
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
It feels like 'angels' are just included because of 'snowbank',does their shape really matter?
Also, 'idols' is a much more evocative term and 'angels' undercuts it.
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.
Not too sure about 'a mile' (just doesn't seem far enough as a gesture', nor 'living'.
I think there's a conversational quality to the piece that you could pursue.
Just a suggestion.
I tossed them away,
those cheap plastic idols
she gave me. Threw them
hard into a snowbank
on the other side of the road
as I raced away from her.
- This way you might leave the reader to fill in the blanks of the 'betrayal'.
I wondered if in the thaw
I think this verse should be present tense looking forward.
her own tires
would bury them
all of a sudden it's 'them'. Though, to be honest, I can't tell if it's a problem or not.
It does increase the possibilities, which may be all to the good.
And of course you could always change 'her' to 'them' in L16
in thick mud,
Emotionally, I would imagine that N have a bit more to say about the 'mud'
the same way
she buried me.
Punchy, yet ambiguous ending, nice.
Best, Knot.
I like the emotion in the piece but I don't think it's as sharp (perhaps 'pointed') as it could be.
The opening two stanzas don't do very much, and, given N's pain having 'sometime' in the title doesn't really work.
It seems unlikely that N would forget exactly when these events happened.
So, with your permission, I'll start at S3.
I tossed away the cheap plastic crystal idols
This, I think, makes for a strong opening
Either 'plastic' or 'crystal', not both.
she gave me (shaped as angels)
hard into a snowbank
It feels like 'angels' are just included because of 'snowbank',does their shape really matter?
Also, 'idols' is a much more evocative term and 'angels' undercuts it.
on the side of the road,
as I raced a mile away
from her living.
Not too sure about 'a mile' (just doesn't seem far enough as a gesture', nor 'living'.
I think there's a conversational quality to the piece that you could pursue.
Just a suggestion.
I tossed them away,
those cheap plastic idols
she gave me. Threw them
hard into a snowbank
on the other side of the road
as I raced away from her.
- This way you might leave the reader to fill in the blanks of the 'betrayal'.
I wondered if in the thaw
I think this verse should be present tense looking forward.
her own tires
would bury them
all of a sudden it's 'them'. Though, to be honest, I can't tell if it's a problem or not.
It does increase the possibilities, which may be all to the good.
And of course you could always change 'her' to 'them' in L16
in thick mud,
Emotionally, I would imagine that N have a bit more to say about the 'mud'
the same way
she buried me.
Punchy, yet ambiguous ending, nice.
Best, Knot.