10-26-2017, 11:53 PM
Hi Leanne
The cloud-crowned thunderer
The repetition of 'aʊ' (in klaʊd-kraʊnd) is a bit of a mouthful.
Why not 'capped'?
speaks to his people
with the falling rain
perhaps 'through' rather than 'with'?
Good opening stanza.
He speaks often
and is not always polite
(very nice)
Turning her smooth face skyward
'smooth face' doesn't do very much.
the loch lady drinks
'loch lady' seems a bit weak after 'cloud-crowned'
at one with the salmon til season’s end
She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead
this doesn't seem to me to be doing much.
The threefold goddess
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags
suggestion;
breathes life into the open mouths of crags
(ssomewhat more active phrasing, and less hyphenation)
Her love for her people
perhaps 'the' to avoid repeating 'her'?
has no room for weakness
nice couplet.
Foreign stones do not crush
Not too sure about 'foreign', but 'can' for 'do'?
a breast that has risen and fallen
this reads oddly to me (has = past tense, therefore they are no longer rising or falling).
since suns were ice
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more
(isn't this the blue-faced hag that also turns to stone on Beltane Eve?)
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring
When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life
I agree with achebe, this is a weak end to a strong piece.
(Not to mention how contentious the Horned God + Bride seems to be online)
A restructuring suggestion:
The cloud-crowned thunderer
speaks to his people
with the falling rain
He speaks often
and is not always polite
Turning her [blue] face skyward
the [threefold goddess] drinks
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags
[She]____
________ (I think you need to echo the tone of S2 here)
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more
Best, Knot
The cloud-crowned thunderer
The repetition of 'aʊ' (in klaʊd-kraʊnd) is a bit of a mouthful.
Why not 'capped'?
speaks to his people
with the falling rain
perhaps 'through' rather than 'with'?
Good opening stanza.
He speaks often
and is not always polite
(very nice)
Turning her smooth face skyward
'smooth face' doesn't do very much.
the loch lady drinks
'loch lady' seems a bit weak after 'cloud-crowned'
at one with the salmon til season’s end
She blesses her followers
with gifts of ale and mead
this doesn't seem to me to be doing much.
The threefold goddess
blue-faced now and one-eyed
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags
suggestion;
breathes life into the open mouths of crags
(ssomewhat more active phrasing, and less hyphenation)
Her love for her people
perhaps 'the' to avoid repeating 'her'?
has no room for weakness
nice couplet.
Foreign stones do not crush
Not too sure about 'foreign', but 'can' for 'do'?
a breast that has risen and fallen
this reads oddly to me (has = past tense, therefore they are no longer rising or falling).
since suns were ice
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more
(isn't this the blue-faced hag that also turns to stone on Beltane Eve?)
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring
When he and his newly-young goddess
will bring the land to life
I agree with achebe, this is a weak end to a strong piece.
(Not to mention how contentious the Horned God + Bride seems to be online)
A restructuring suggestion:
The cloud-crowned thunderer
speaks to his people
with the falling rain
He speaks often
and is not always polite
Turning her [blue] face skyward
the [threefold goddess] drinks
breathes ice into open-mouthed crags
[She]____
________ (I think you need to echo the tone of S2 here)
In the shadow of the storm
the great stag watches
and dreams of spring
To be reborn each year
until the years are no more
Best, Knot