10-19-2017, 08:41 PM
(10-28-2010, 05:24 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision 2Love, always love for this piece. The title alone is jealousy provoking. I like that the poem is all one sentence to help the tension build quickly in such a short space.
Blood hissed in a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose
until I
held the world
under water,
matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left
to cry out.
So, maybe:
Blood, hushed to a whisper,
hissed beneath the soil,
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose, until I
held the world under water,
matching murder
drop-for-drop
till no one was left
to cry out.
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Thought there would be less confusion and bumbling about if I just wrote it how I hear it.

