10-18-2017, 11:34 AM
Hi Rose, I like what you’ve created here. You’ve very simplistically conveyed a reality probably everyone experiences. Is there a soul? Is there a multi-dimensional or transcendent existence where some sort of our essence continues “living” or at least experiencing anything that it did in the physical state? It’s truly harrowing observing someone close to you in the manner you describe.
Structurally, I really think omitting Roses: at the beginning would make for a better beginning. We would dive right into the scene and emotion without it, because I stopped reading to backtrack and make sense of the coloned-Roses and it disrupted the flow and inhabitation within the poem.
I also suggest considering changing lying still because it implies she’s alive, maybe just omit lying or use another synonym for still.
Concerning:
Powdered face froze,
waiting to smell the floral scent.
Again I suggest changing waiting because it implies she’s alive, maybe re-work the line to express that she isn’t smelling the scent? Or that she never will again? I figure I should just mention this because I was conflicted about mentioning it: froze seems a bit off for this scene and context, even metaphorically. Might “in repose” be better? Bodies are refrigerated but not frozen. And I would re-work the 2nd line to not have her waiting to smell the scent. However the contrast between fresh blossoms and their scent with the state of the grandmother is effective, I would continue exploring it.
Concerning Lips flat, she is not smiling, I suggest revising the 2nd part of this line to describe her expressionlessness. Saying not smiling kinda implies she’s alive. Showing her alien-ness would be more effective.
Best with revisions!
Structurally, I really think omitting Roses: at the beginning would make for a better beginning. We would dive right into the scene and emotion without it, because I stopped reading to backtrack and make sense of the coloned-Roses and it disrupted the flow and inhabitation within the poem.
I also suggest considering changing lying still because it implies she’s alive, maybe just omit lying or use another synonym for still.
Concerning:
Powdered face froze,
waiting to smell the floral scent.
Again I suggest changing waiting because it implies she’s alive, maybe re-work the line to express that she isn’t smelling the scent? Or that she never will again? I figure I should just mention this because I was conflicted about mentioning it: froze seems a bit off for this scene and context, even metaphorically. Might “in repose” be better? Bodies are refrigerated but not frozen. And I would re-work the 2nd line to not have her waiting to smell the scent. However the contrast between fresh blossoms and their scent with the state of the grandmother is effective, I would continue exploring it.
Concerning Lips flat, she is not smiling, I suggest revising the 2nd part of this line to describe her expressionlessness. Saying not smiling kinda implies she’s alive. Showing her alien-ness would be more effective.
Best with revisions!