10-10-2017, 09:31 AM
(09-16-2017, 12:52 PM)Wjames Wrote: The bartender at the Burlap StinkholeI love a Narrative poem, there are so many Lyric ones.
is an old time freight train with coal stained teeth 'is an' vs 'was an' gives a distinct feeling of closeness and almost whispering to the audience a tale or story. Like a secret. really like that specific choice
and an engine cough that's rattled the screws I'm not 100% sure what this translates to as far as the Bartender. Is it his brains/screws? Is it simply a filler?
in the conductor's cabin. I do agree with a user above that the train metaphor appears at its lowest point in this line "in the conductor's cabin." I would suggest a change to something more elaborate perhaps.
He'll smooth your kinks if you scratch his back Love the use of Kinks almost reminds me of the freight train for somereason
with the right rake, but don't touch his scabs "with the right rake" I don't get the reason for this line. Is it too show how you have to be very particular with how you approach him? Is there a possible way to word is to make it more obvious?
if you like looking in the mirror.
Mention my name A critic as far as storytelling goes, is to foreshadow the Bartender's attitude towards you prior to the "Mention my name
and he'll introduce you or try foreshadowing something with you and his sister. The best twists are the ones with foreshadowing
and he'll introduce you
to his dog's stomach.
I gave his sister a rash This really caught me off guard, I really enjoy the sense of humor that ties this piece together
penicillin won't touch.
I love how you can tell some a good and funny story. The end totally caught me off balance.
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."- Your love for music shines through in your rhymes, which you usually rhyme the end of a line with the beginning of another. And they all seem near rhymes which is great cause none of them are forced in anyway.