The bartender at the Burlap Stinkhole
is an old time freight train with coal stained teeth
and an engine cough that's rattled the screws
in the conductor's cabin.

He'll smooth your kinks if you scratch his back
with the right rake, but don't touch his scabs
if you like looking in the mirror.

Mention my name 
and he'll introduce you
to his dog's stomach.

I gave his sister a rash
penicillin won't touch.

(09-16-2017, 12:52 PM)Wjames Wrote:  The bartender at the Burlap Stinkhole Never heard of a "Burlap Stinkhole". I tried googling it and nothing. Maybe a reference in the poem or towards something else I haven't gotten yet. With that being said I like the start. The name "Burlap Stinkhole" reeled me in.
is an old time freight train with coal stained teeth This line has my tongue driving over pot holes. Maybe play around with the sentence structure? Otherwise, I'm liking the imagery.
and an engine cough that's rattled the screws Dig this line
in the conductor's cabin.

He'll smooth your kinks if you scratch his back
with the right rake, but don't touch his scabs
if you like looking in the mirror. Will he mangle me if I do? 
The stanza above describes this character's weirdness pretty well and I'm liking it.

Mention my name 
and he'll introduce you
to his dog's stomach.

I gave his sister a rash
penicillin won't touch.
This bartender shares a lot of characteristics with an old time freight train, doesn't want me to touch his scabs when scratching his back (which he likes), doesn't want me mentioning your name or else I'm his dog's food, and he has a sister. What a guy. I really am enjoying the poem's sense of whimsicality, but I just can't put my finger on exactly what it's about. It's a solid first draft, but for me it needs to be given a little more direction.

I read through it multiple times and I got it, and it was kind've funny when I did. It's a strong first draft but I'm kind of feeling the train metaphor drag out a bit into lines like "in the conductor's cabin". Thank you for the read.

(09-16-2017, 12:52 PM)Wjames Wrote:   
 
The bartender at the Burlap Stinkhole
is an old time freight train with coal stained teeth    hmm.. you could write this in two lines “is an old time freight train // with coal stained teeth rows.. or teeth ruins”  . that would in my opinion enhance the nice similarities in the words.
and an engine cough that's rattled the screws    I d like “rattles the screws”
in the conductor's cabin.

He'll smooth your kinks if you scratch his back   could be I don´t get the idioms right but somehow I can´t quite connect this stanza to the poem´s story.
with the right rake, but don't touch his scabs
if you like looking in the mirror.

Mention my name 
and he'll introduce you
to his dog's stomach.      well that´s an enjambment worth its purpose

I gave his sister a rash
penicillin won't touch.     clever line. I d make it his daughter because I somehow imagine the bartender´s sister is like him.

 

Hi Wjames. Good golly, what a poem.
It made my eyes get big!
Get me on the express
away from Burlap Stinkhole!



The bartender at the Burlap Stinkhole                                   I see burlap as a wonderful metaphor to grief, stinkhole screams darkness.
is an old time freight train with coal stained teeth                   I like how coffee is used as a metaphor to keeping an engine running, brilliant.
and an engine cough that's rattled the screws
in the conductor's cabin.                                                      don't know why this is in intensive, my comments are too soon limited to interpretation

He'll smooth your kinks if you scratch his back                      not sure how you would reach over the bar to do that
with the right rake, but don't touch his scabs                        and would one want to?
if you like looking in the mirror. (*)I like how mirror is used two-ways, here. Amazing.

Mention my name                                                                 
and he'll introduce you
to his dog's stomach.                                                            is this vomit or an act of submissiveness

I gave his sister a rash                                                           the purveyor seems to serve his own class
penicillin won't touch.


(*)afterthought

Hey Wjames,
There is some strong imagery in this poem. I do have some suggestions though:

(09-16-2017, 12:52 PM)Wjames Wrote:  The bartender at the Burlap Stinkhole -Since it is capitalized, I interpret "Burlap Stinkhole" as the name of the bar.
is an old time freight train with coal stained teeth -I think this metaphor is technically fine. I just don't know if it works 100% for me. Part of my problem is that a bartender wouldn't travel or move as far as a train would. This is sort of a nit-picking point, and I would only mention it on the Intensive board.
and an engine cough that's rattled the screws -This line extends the metaphor well.
in the conductor's cabin. -I don't quite get this line. How does the conductor's cabin extend the metaphor? I don't see its connection to the bartender. Again, I feel like I'm nit-picking here, so feel free to ignore.

He'll smooth your kinks if you scratch his back
with the right rake, but don't touch his scabs -I get that the "rake" and "back" are metaphorically. I just think they're images that need to be expanded on.
if you like looking in the mirror. -I wonder if there's a way to tie this back to the train metaphor? May be something about being run over by a train? Just a thought.

Mention my name 
and he'll introduce you -I would suggest combining this line and the previous into one line. That way, the next line would have greater emphasis.
to his dog's stomach. -I love this line. It creates a wonder image and sums up well how the bartender feels about the speaker.

I gave his sister a rash
penicillin won't touch. -These two lines made me smile. May be it's just my twisted sense of humor. I like how you worded this line, and I think it's a nice touch to end with the reader finding out the reason the bartender dislikes the speaker so much.

Overall, I think you have a nice first draft here, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard

Enjoyable character sketch, well executed.
My only real reservation is the title (which is great,
but I don't know that it works with the piece).
Minor points would be a couple of punctuation and
line length changes.  
As in:


The bartender

at the Burlap Stinkhole
is an old time freight train
with coal stained teeth
and an engine cough
that's rattled the screws
in the conductor's cabin.

He'll smooth your kinks
if you scratch his back[,]
with the right rake[.]
[B]ut don't touch his scabs
if you like looking in the mirror.

Mention my name
and he'll introduce you
to his dog's stomach.

I gave his sister a rash
penicillin won't touch.

I do think there's something missing (maybe only a line) between S3 and S4.

Best, Knot.

(09-16-2017, 12:52 PM)Wjames Wrote:  The bartender at the Burlap Stinkhole                    
is an old time freight train with coal stained teeth 'is an' vs 'was an' gives a distinct feeling of closeness and almost whispering to the audience a tale or story. Like a secret. really like                                                                                                                  that specific choice
and an engine cough that's rattled the screws I'm not 100% sure what this translates to as far as the Bartender. Is it his brains/screws? Is it simply a filler? 
in the conductor's cabin. I do agree with a user above that the train metaphor appears at its lowest point in this line "in the conductor's cabin." I would suggest a change to something more elaborate perhaps.

He'll smooth your kinks if you scratch his back Love the use of Kinks almost reminds me of the freight train for somereason
with the right rake, but don't touch his scabs "with the right rake" I don't get the reason for this line. Is it too show how you have to be very particular with how you approach him? Is there a possible way to word is to make it more obvious? 
if you like looking in the mirror. 

Mention my name   A critic as far as storytelling goes, is to foreshadow the Bartender's attitude towards you prior to the "Mention my name 

and he'll introduce you or try foreshadowing something with you and his sister. The best twists are the ones with foreshadowing 
and he'll introduce you 
to his dog's stomach.

I gave his sister a rash  This really caught me off guard, I really enjoy the sense of humor that ties this piece together
penicillin won't touch.

I love a Narrative poem, there are so many Lyric ones.
I love how you can tell some a good and funny story. The end totally caught me off balance.
"Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."- Your love for music shines through in your rhymes, which you usually rhyme the end of a line with the beginning of another. And they all seem near rhymes which is great cause none of them are forced in anyway.