First Edit: Alone Together

[Todd]

Sorry, it took so long to get back to this Richard. Some comments on your edit.

First Edit:

Alone Together

Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
but I can't ignore the voices in the wind
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule an invisible smile
only I can see.--nice addition, not for clarity (that was already there) but for refocusing the attention back to the speaker's perceptions and the world. 

I remember I tried to be resilient,--you're already in past tense. I remember I tried is clunky. I don't mind the line but I'd cut I remember.
how I tried not to look--possibly remove the tried repetition with something like "how I made sure not to look"
when you were sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day.--Still love the image.
I even pretended to sleep==You could draw out the process more to signal the denial and distance example: I closed my eyes/even pretended to sleep   Just an option of course. It works without that change but it could be nice to stack denial.
while you cried.

But his room so silent, so still,--The but makes this line stronger for the contrast. So still is a nicer (more sonically pleasing way) of saying so lifeless.
struck me worse than any sobbing.--lovely sonics throughout this part.

Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved.
One cut became two,
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned.--I wonder reading this again if it's the temptation that drowned or if it's the speaker "I" that drowned.

It wouldn’t be fair
to call this hell,
no demons lurk,
no pitch fork hides in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined.

It's a good improvement. 

Best,

Todd