09-14-2017, 04:35 AM
Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
try to ignore the voices in the wind,
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule a smile. though i like how you describe the laughing wind this line with the smiles confuses me, since it seems too positive for the following stanzas.
Sometimes I try not to look
when you’re sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day. feels as if the subject himself didn´t want to deal with his sadness, especially with the first stanza. if it were someone else i wonder about the reason why the subject chooses to ignore the other´s sadness.
I used to pretend to be asleep
while you cried. this is something that would only make sense for two separate persons for me.
His room so silent, so still,
pierced worse than sobbing. wouldn´t it be "my room" instead of "his room" then?
Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved. loss of self again.. but why
One cut became two,
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned. the desire to harm oneself fades with enough pain. you have a powerful description. i think you could omitt the second "redder" it seems repeating the. hmm, maybe write something like stronger instead of redder.
It wouldn’t be fair to call this hell,
there’s no demons lurking,
no pitch fork in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined by life. that last stanza seems like an explanation that doesn´t explain things
try to ignore the voices in the wind,
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule a smile. though i like how you describe the laughing wind this line with the smiles confuses me, since it seems too positive for the following stanzas.
Sometimes I try not to look
when you’re sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day. feels as if the subject himself didn´t want to deal with his sadness, especially with the first stanza. if it were someone else i wonder about the reason why the subject chooses to ignore the other´s sadness.
I used to pretend to be asleep
while you cried. this is something that would only make sense for two separate persons for me.
His room so silent, so still,
pierced worse than sobbing. wouldn´t it be "my room" instead of "his room" then?
Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved. loss of self again.. but why
One cut became two,
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned. the desire to harm oneself fades with enough pain. you have a powerful description. i think you could omitt the second "redder" it seems repeating the. hmm, maybe write something like stronger instead of redder.
It wouldn’t be fair to call this hell,
there’s no demons lurking,
no pitch fork in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined by life. that last stanza seems like an explanation that doesn´t explain things
...