First Edit: Alone Together

[ellajam]

Hi, Richard, a strong piece with an apt but sort of boring title. You might be a able to dig a little deeper and come up with something unique, the poem deserves it. Some nits and comments:

Alone Together

Sometimes I try to forget who I was,
try to ignore the voices in the wind, No comma
who laugh with their children,
each air molecule a smile. Strong line, this opening immediately conveys a sense of loss, past enjoyment in other people's enjoyment and an attempt to move past the envy of what they have. Works well for me.

Sometimes I try not to look
when you’re sad,
your eyes a hard pond on a snowy day. A beautiful way to say icy.

I used to pretend to be asleep
while you cried. Possibly comma here.
His room so silent, so still,
pierced worse than sobbing. This is an interesting line. The whole strophe brings the weight of silence clearly.

Then one day, I saw a stranger’s face
watching me as I shaved.
One cut became two, Clear through here.
my temptation redder and redder until it drowned.
This line confuses me although I'm not saying that that's a bad thing. I'm not sure what the temptation is, it seems to be cutting but I can't quite put it together with drowned, which has a false finality for me. When I follow this line through to drown I find a face with so many cuts he's unlikely to continue the poem. Still it's an interesting line.

It wouldn’t be fair to call this hell,
there’s no demons lurking, There are.
no pitch fork in the shadows.
There’s just two people, ruined by life.
I might prefer it without "by life", the poem is more specific and I don't see what it adds.

I hope this helps a bit, thanks for the fine read.