Nocturne
#3
(09-11-2017, 06:43 PM)RiverNotch Wrote:  Crickets sing with their legs,
frogs sing with their breasts,
cicadas sing with their wings,
bats sing with their mouths --

lovers sing with all their parts.
The payoff isn't quite that satisfying.
Perhaps you could mix it up a bit, eg. Crickets sing with their legs / frogs with the breasts / cicadas wings / bats mouths / lovers / with all their parts.
I also think that the list of things that sing starts to tire after 'cicadas'. If you could keep it to 'cicadas wings / and mouths' that'd be nice, but wouldn't make sense....so I can't suggest an alternative at the moment.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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Messages In This Thread
Nocturne - by RiverNotch - 09-11-2017, 06:43 PM
RE: Nocturne - by dukealien - 09-11-2017, 10:04 PM
RE: Nocturne - by Achebe - 09-12-2017, 02:53 PM
RE: Nocturne - by Solstice - 09-17-2017, 11:08 AM
RE: Nocturne - by RiverNotch - 09-17-2017, 11:35 PM
RE: Nocturne - by j4austin - 10-19-2017, 06:51 AM



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