08-26-2017, 05:36 AM
Hey Todd,
This poem has some nice language use. I do have some suggestions though:
Cheers,
Richard
This poem has some nice language use. I do have some suggestions though:
(08-25-2017, 11:17 PM)Todd Wrote: I imagine that God is shakingAs always, your poetry had some strong imagery and was a pleasure to critique. I look forward to seeing where you take this piece from here.
a Magic 8-Ball and my tongue is shifting
between: Ask again later, and Better not
tell you now. -The Magic 8-Ball image is wonderful because it communicates how powerless the speaker feels. Even though, the speaker doesn't want to answer their son, he doesn't even know how.
Instead of a lie detector,
I’m hooked to a seismograph. -This image nicely sums up how strongly the speaker feels about whatever they are hesitant to tell their son about.
The needle begins to move
so quickly that the building collapses
like a sand castle, next a city block,
and then Superman forgets to unwind time. -When I saw the title, I never thought there would be a Superman reference in here. Love it!
Lex Luthor’s plan finally succeeds. The whole state -"The whole state/ slides into the ocean" is great allusion and hyperbole. It accurately depicts how worried the speaker is about their world falling apart because of their son's question.
slides into the ocean. I want to tell
him that there are days I don’t want to die, -The poem gets very dark here. This is a minor compliant, but going from the Superman imagery to this is a bit jarring. I would suggest transitioning a bit more here. May be even consider a stanza break here. However, if your intention was to be jarring, then disregard this point.
that I can’t remember any of their faces,
and names have smoothed like river stones -The faces and names made me think that the speaker is talking about fallen comrades, like he was a soldier. I could wrong though.
too long submerged. Perhaps
the needle is drawing a picture -I'm unsure if this line is referring to drug use or getting a tattoo. I'm leaning towards a tattoo, but it could be clearer.
of what might happen,
or what’s already happened. If I even whisper,
the sky would shatter like glass. -This is a wonderful simile. It again sums up how hard and life changing the speaker's decision is when comes to answering his son's question. I think this is such a strong simile that I would suggest ending the poem on it.
I want to tell him the truth. No,
I don’t want to ask him any questions. I think
I’m only lying to myself. -I get what you're going for in this last part. Personally, I think the image of the speaker's sky shattering like glass is a more fitting ending.
Cheers,
Richard
Time is the best editor.

