State of the Union
#6
(01-12-2017, 06:54 PM)TimeOut Wrote:  Truancy is a
huge nuance
You see today
world power
is calculated
in Twitter hours

Fake to you
is news to me
A mistake is
an Easy-Bake recipe
nuked to perfection
The burnt confections
once savored in
founding fathers'
bulleted collections

Popular doesn't mean
you're familiar
with poplar trees'
uprooted, colluded fruit
The apricot face  
is a new race
in diplomacy

@LittleBoPeep
Shame 'bout those sheep
...WEAK!
so, one issue is your line breaks.

The word a line breaks on gets extra emphasis.  Ideally it points to your central metaphor. You are breaking your lines arbitrarily on words like "a'.

The unit of the poem is the line.  Do your lines hold up?

Let's check!

Truancy is a - ? - No!
huge nuisance? - No!

You get the point.  you have a lot of work to do just to make this look deliberate.

There are other issues, but perhaps best to start with tose.

Good luck.
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Messages In This Thread
State of the Union - by TimeOut - 01-12-2017, 06:54 PM
RE: State of the Union - by Magpie - 01-13-2017, 02:22 AM
RE: State of the Union - by TimeOut - 01-14-2017, 10:01 AM
RE: State of the Union - by CRNDLSM - 01-15-2017, 07:12 AM
RE: State of the Union - by Weeded - 01-16-2017, 03:29 AM
RE: State of the Union - by milo - 08-16-2017, 01:23 PM



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