Fairy Tale Logic (Revision 2)

[milo]

The moon glides with dark design for love lies

try reading this line over a few times.  I think the real problem is "for", but, frankly, the line is a mess.

beneath a pale gown. Her glow reveals

 dangling participle alert.  Your indefinite pronoun could be either "moon" or "love".  This is problematic.  The poesy is disturbing both the clarity and the composition.

the howl and bristle of men,

I think you need to make synesthesia a value-add component or remove it entirely.  If is supposed to enrich the metaphor in some way, I am completely missing it.

and the bedchamber after midnight
with its cold stone and barefoot steps

indeterminate pronouns again.  Does the bedchamber have cold stone and barefoot steps?

that crunch across gold turned to straw.
Though, the swan remains forever
pierced, and the apple always poison
to settle on your lips like a blood-red smear

waiting for a kiss.

I don't know.  It has strong imagery but it is too confused and convoluted to gel properly.  Even the next to last line - to settle on your lips like a blood red smear - the way it's written also refers to the swan.  A swan settling on my lips??!!  NO!

Too much dependence on power words and inherited symbolism make it seem like it lacks its own voice.