Nectar

[nibbed]

Hi, lyon.

I thought the poem was well-paced, actually, but also a bit overly repetitive and hoped (for the narrator's sake), a resolution or victory over the pest.


I beg a                                           -I don't care for the structure of this first L                                   
mosquito           
who refuses,
despite the many times 
I throw her off:                               -brush, swat, maybe? how does one "throw" a mosquito?
Let me alone!                                 -Mosquito, let me alone might suffice.

but mosquito will not.                    -in a perfect world we don't begin sentences with but
She simply waits                            -best two lines
when displaced,                               in the poem
for a still 
and fresh spot
to suck.                                           -does she just suck, doesn't she pierce first, leave itchy slobber?

Relentless! Let me 
alone! I am angry
but mosquito ignores 
my thrashes, again                           thrashes or swats? why would you thrash?
finds another spot to suck 

and suckle.
Faith-full mosquito…                      if the speaker's name is Faith, it makes it cuter.

you always find me useful.              a dig on-self.           



It might be helpful to describe WHY the speaker is so pestered, even though most of us understand how bothersome mosquitoes are. I heard lemongrass oil mixed with a carrier oil is good as repellent and crushed garden weed plantain leaves work as an itch remover, especially in a pinch. This poem can get shaped up and made cute, it has a liveliness about it. What better place to put it, than the treadmill of intensive critique! You can do it!

nibbed