Skin and Bone

[Raspberry Lemonade]

*Please bear with me if lyrics/raps are not allowed, just thought about giving it a try. Most do say poems can be read in the melody of a song, so why not post one? It's also a WIP for the moment*

- v e r s e   1 - 
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go
Turn the knob,
Water flow
Fuck it all,
Watch me go  not a big fan of this part but i get why it's there
Is this what we've come to?
A depressing population 
Craving domination 
This is what we've come to

You only order waters
Small salad or appetizer 
I offer the food on my plate 'cause you need it
You say you're on diet, bullshit
 
Your heart is too heavy to hold in, so much so you sleep in
Now you're always sleeping  " sleepin' "??
Too tired to even eat

Some days you even struggle to get the straw in
 I can't watch this, it's not something I can beat
You're sick inside, and there's no place for you to hide   I find it kinda looses rhythm around here but then again, you must have a beat to it        
I thought it was all in your mind                                          
So I tried to get it clear
But breakfast, lunch, and dinner
There needs to be a water near
And that's even if you're hungry 
You say, "baby if you love me
Then stop all this worry"                                From my last comment to this point i like. i think it would sound good when spoken or rapped lol
Honey, I can't simply just be happy
When the love of your life dying 
In your hands
I dreamed we'd be in distant lands                 )   
I couldn't see you in my dreams                    )   although a bit on the cheesy side (I'm a cheese ball anyway lol) i like it
I don't know what that means                       )  
Were you dead? Were you home?                     as commented before... i don't feel this line
Thirsty is your new hungry 
And you're always telling me
"Baby I'm so thirsty
Can you fetch another bottle"
I don't mean to be mean
But you could use this snack as well              i would try and rephrase this somehow      
You ask me if your beautiful 
I'm quiet

- p r e   c h o r u s -
Don't you dare say you're not pretty enough 
Don't tell me I do this blind in love
Don't you dare say that you're of                i don't understand these 2 lines, i find it reads funny like it's missing something... prob sound good when rapped with a beat but the words are out of place... only my opinion however :)    
A species, of a race of nothing but

- c h o r u s -
Skin and bone 
I am nothing to behold
I have nothing left, nothing left
Look at what you've done to me                playing the blame game, nice touch for the subject matter
Skin and bone is all I'll ever be
There's so little for you to see
Nothing left, nothing left

All the wire has run too dry, your brain has taken it's time of leave
Your thoughts are mixed up, you say skinny is the new pretty
Everything that you did, you've done, is now hidden up your sleeve
This is not who you're supposed be                                                           I like this last piece, i like the wording 

Any feedback is welcome: if you enjoyed it, hated it, etc... please be sure to notify me why ;)

Raspberry Lemonde, Aced and Arrowed

Hardcore subject matter here, may not appeal to many but is truth none the less. not a big fan of rap per-say but i like allot of the lyrics and the way you present the subject, nice for a WIP

Thank you for the response! -and I just noticed I misspelled Lemonade, oops. I'm going to try to revise this poem with the help you and the other critiquer has given tonight. It's very much appreciated :D On a side note, I like how mindful you are when mentioning a beat to the song to make it flow better, hehe

Raspberry Lemonade, Aced and Arrowed