07-03-2017, 04:47 PM
Hi FourEyed - this reads more like a piece of prose with line breaks than a poem.
Take this line, for instance:
It’s that distinct sound of going home, presented by a carriage that is marked with graffiti and the occasional spot of rust.
It actually read better when written out as a single line. In your poem, the line breaks introduce meaningless, unnatural pauses in speech. Even free verse has to follow speech patterns.
Nearly every line in the poem has the same problem.
Even a poem about banality can only be banal selectively.
Take this line, for instance:
It’s that distinct sound of going home, presented by a carriage that is marked with graffiti and the occasional spot of rust.
It actually read better when written out as a single line. In your poem, the line breaks introduce meaningless, unnatural pauses in speech. Even free verse has to follow speech patterns.
Nearly every line in the poem has the same problem.
Even a poem about banality can only be banal selectively.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe