Jinni

[Lizzie]

The Jinni asks: how do you wish
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge,
release from the thickening suspense.

Do you want to die quick
like the lightning-crack of dynamite
or asteroid impact?
Do you want your body to remain
intact in hope of resurrection—
maybe heart attack or Anthrax?
Do you want the fame you didn't have
in life, a death for the Guinness books
and a story gone viral?

Do you want your death to dress
your story in white, bookends of goodness,
cloaking your putrid life
in fragrant funeral sheets?
The Jinni can grant you absolution:
save a Hybrid full of babies
from a Humvee full of pedophiles
with twisted, pointy mustaches
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease.

The Jinni is an ifrit—
it can make things happen.

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.

Most fall into silence, hoping
that the Jinni is the one who decides
whether dying must always result in death.

[vagabond]

The Jinni asks: how do you wish
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge,
release from the thickening suspense.   wether this is true is an opener that kind of stays unquestioned and unanswered in the poem.. as I think you intended.. I like that line

Do you want to die quick
like the lightning-crack of dynamite    I´d either put an “a” infront of “crack” or leave the “an” infront of “asteroid impact” out.
or an asteroid impact?
Do you want your body to remain   nice enjambment (read just to the end of this line the reader cries “yes”
intact in hope of resurrection—
maybe heart attack or Anthrax?   anthrax really doesn´t  leave the body intact.. well, usually 5 min. of death (cardiac arrest) suffice for irreversible brain damage no matter the reason of death.. but ignoring that you could do with hypothermia instead
Do you want the fame you didn't have
in life, a death for the Guinness books
and a story gone viral?

Do you want your death to dress
your story in white, bookends of goodness,
cloaking your putrid life
in a fragrant funeral sheets?    sheet?
The Jinni can grant you absolution:
save a Hybrid full of babies
from a Humvee full of pedophiles
with twisted, pointy mustaches
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease.    while the language and images are great I almost think the specifity of this example is distracting

The Jinni is an ifrit—
it can make things happen.          creepy, makes me think of a child desperately trying not to think of the monster in the closet so that it won´t appear.

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.

Most fall into silence, hoping
that the Jinni is the one who decides
whether dying must always result in death.         I like how you oppose "falling asleep" to "falling into silence" in this stanza. If that was intentional it could be enhanced by putting "fall into silence" in a separate line.

interesting poem, makes me think about acceptance -  the most difficult thing when considering death. 

[Lizzie]

Do you want to die quick
like the lightning-crack of dynamite    I´d either put an “a” infront of “crack” or leave the “an” infront of “asteroid impact” out.


in a fragrant funeral sheets?    sheet?

Fixed. Facepalm. Thank you.

[Richard]

Hey Lizzie,
I like the overall message of this poem. It asks a profound question that sets the tone for the rest of the poem. My biggest suggestions would have to do with some of the wording and a couple of the images. I'll go into more detail below:

The Jinni asks: how do you wish -This is more food for thought than an actual critique point: How do you think it would impact this poem if instead of a Jinni asking the question, it was another human being. Say for example, a child asking it to their parent? I know some of the wording and images would have to change, but it's just a thought.
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge, -Is this really a gift? Personally, I would go insane trying to pick how I want to die.
release from the thickening suspense. -I love this line. It sums up well aging/mortality with "thickening suspense".

Do you want to die quick
like the lightning-crack of dynamite -I like this simile. The use of dynamite works well with the poem's overall theme.
or asteroid impact? -I would suggest putting this image in its own sentence. I find it distracts a bit from the first two lines of this stanza.
Do you want your body to remain
intact in hope of resurrection— -I'm not super religious, so I could be wrong. However, don't some religions believe that resurrection or the afterlife involves moving beyond the physical world, which would make one's body meaningless after death? The wording here made me think of zombies, which is actually a good thing in my opinion.
maybe heart attack or Anthrax? -Why Anthrax? Would anyone actually pick that as their way to die?
Do you want the fame you didn't have
in life, a death for the Guinness books
and a story gone viral? -I love the last three lines in this stanza. Sadly, thinking about this question made me believe that many people would answer "yes" to this question. The wording in the last line is wonderfully true to today.

Do you want your death to dress
your story in white, bookends of goodness, -I love this metaphor. "bookends of goodness" sounds wonderfully shallow.
cloaking your putrid life -Does the phrase "putrid life" indicate that the Jinni looks down on mere mortals, or is the person being addressed in this poem just a rotten human being?
in fragrant funeral sheets?
The Jinni can grant you absolution: -Is this in a different font intentionally? I don't think you need to do it if it was. I would suggest writing "absolution" in italics because it seems to me to be the most important word in the line. 
save a Hybrid full of babies
from a Humvee full of pedophiles -I find this image of the two vehicles almost comedic. Was that your intention? I would recommend revising or dropping these two lines because they aren't consistent with the tone of your poem.
with twisted, pointy mustaches -In my opinion, this line is too cartoonish for the tone of this poem.
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease. -I actually like this line. It is a wonderfully gritty image. Please find a way to keep this line if you decide to revise the above lines.

The Jinni is an ifrit— I know what an ifrit is after googling it. Why is it important to your poem? I feel like this is an image that could be expanded upon.
it can make things happen. -I feel like if you want a line in bigger font from the rest, that it should be this one. It's ominous in a good way.

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep; - I would suggest using a different word than "fall". The phrase "fall asleep" bothers me for some reason. 
they take a breath,
then exhale. -Here's a morbid question: Are these people dying of old age? I feel like this image could be expanded on.

Most fall into silence, hoping -Now "fall into silence" works, and you don't need to the "fall asleep" for the reader to make the connection.
that the Jinni is the one who decides -I would suggest ending the poem here.
whether dying must always result in death. -I like the way this line sounds, but find it doesn't communicate much. Are you making a reference to the afterlife? May be I'm missing something, but I think the poem would work better if it ended with the image of people hoping the Jinni will decided the way they die. It just seems like a more fitting ending to me.

I like this poem, and I look forward to seeing where you take it from here.

Cheers,
Richard

[nibbed]

Hi Lizzie. I always thought Jinni was the name of a person (short for Virginia), until I saw (the) in front of the word, now I see it is a dark sort of creature. The poem made me think a little about death choices. I never really thought about "how" I would want "to go", just leave it to God and my appointed time, I guess. Glad I can live eternally! I will try my best to critique, no guarantees on how helpful I might be.


The Jinni asks: how do you wish                                                 Can the first three words begin the poem on one line?
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge,                           then, next line "how do you wish to die" I tend to prefer
release from the thickening suspense.                                      couplets, or shorter stanzas, but that's just me

Do you want to die quick
like the lightning-crack of dynamite
or asteroid impact?                                                                           good list of fasties!
Do you want your body to remain
intact in hope of resurrection—                                                      does not being intact cancel out resurrection?
maybe heart attack or Anthrax?
Do you want the fame you didn't have                                          this is where the poem points to an individual, or seems personal
in life, a death for the Guinness books
and a story gone viral?

Do you want your death to dress                                                    I've never thought of death dressing, that makes death like a person
your story in white, bookends of goodness,                                 
cloaking your putrid life                                                                   since the jinni's asking, this shows a hateful jinni, so jinnis are not friendly...
in fragrant funeral sheets?                                                               I can think of only one thing when I think of funeral sheets. That is clever.
The Jinni can grant you absolution:                                   
save a Hybrid full of babies                                                              
from a Humvee full of pedophiles
with twisted, pointy mustaches                                                      
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease.

The Jinni is an ifrit—                                                                          not sure what that is, I googled it, now've forgotten
it can make things happen.

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.                                                                                        

Most fall into silence, hoping
that the Jinni is the one who decides
whether dying must always result in death.                               informative



                                                                                                               
                                                                                                             
                                                                                                            The poem reminded me of Ricky Skaggs, "Are You Afraid To Die?"              
                                                                                                             Thank you, Lizzie, for the read. It really got me thinking!
                                                                                                              Have a blessed evening.
                                                                                                              Janine

[Lizzie]

I like the overall message of this poem.

There's a message?!?

---

Thanks everybody for the time you spent giving feedback! You've all raised some good points and given me things to ponder. Much appreciated!

[Achebe]

The Jinni asks: how do you wish ..good line break
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge, ... maybe 'a gift'
release from the thickening suspense.

Do you want to die quick  ...the questions all underwhelming and prosey
like the lightning-crack of dynamite 
or asteroid impact? ....there's a clunkiness to these lines that I can't quite place - maybe it's the predictable "or", maybe it's the overused hyphen in the line above. Asteroid impacts are extremely rare events on a terrestrial scale, so the example is confusing. But more pertinently, an asteroid impact is by definition anything but lightning quick - the speed of a falling asteroid has been calculated at ~40 km/sec, while light travels at 300,000 km/sec!
Do you want your body to remain
intact in hope of resurrection— ....I'd use 'afterlife'. The Christian belief in resurrection doesn't require the body to be preserved.
maybe heart attack or Anthrax? ...too verbose, and the examples don't stand out. Why anthrax? It causes necrosis, doesn't it? But more pertinently, too many words.
Do you want the fame you didn't have
in life, a death for the Guinness books
and a story gone viral? .....An overuse of 'Do you'

Do you want your death to dress
your story in white, bookends of goodness, ...nice line 
cloaking your putrid life ...I'm lost here, because you seem to have moved from 'how do you wish to die' to 'how should it be after you're dead'
in fragrant funeral sheets?
The Jinni can grant you absolution:
save a Hybrid full of babies
from a Humvee full of pedophiles
with twisted, pointy mustaches
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease.

The Jinni is an ifrit—
it can make things happen.

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.

Most fall into silence, hoping
that the Jinni is the one who decides 
whether dying must always result in death. ... confusing

[Donald Q.]

The Jinni asks: how do you wish   I assume this is a Djinn, or genie, or one of the variations on that idea
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge,
release from the thickening suspense.  I'm not sure if you need the part after the question mark. The ramifications of knowing how you would die seem clear enough. and the question alone gives a big start to the poem. 

Do you want to die quick
like the lightning-crack of dynamite I mean, I think i'd take being struck by lightning over being blown to bits by some tnt, but maybe that's just me.
or asteroid impact?
Do you want your body to remain
intact in hope of resurrection—
maybe heart attack or Anthrax?
Do you want the fame you didn't have
in life, a death for the Guinness books
and a story gone viral?    I think you could, if you wanted, push the style of this stanza even further. Make it a full salesman patter, a well rehearsed list of suggestions that the Jinni has performed to many people.

Do you want your death to dress
your story in white, bookends of goodness,
cloaking your putrid life
in fragrant funeral sheets?   Nice imagery 
The Jinni can grant you absolution:
save a Hybrid full of babies
from a Humvee full of pedophiles   ha, fantastically overblown, I like it
with twisted, pointy mustaches  
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease.  I'm not sure about these two lines, I think the joke is sold with the hybrid/humvee lines and this is just unneeded decoration. 

The Jinni is an ifrit—
it can make things happen. Not sure why these two lines are hanging about on their own here. 

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.

Most fall into silence, hoping
that the Jinni is the one who decides
whether dying must always result in death.  These last three stanzas feel like the structure/phrasing isn't quite right, but I like the idea; that there's the simple classic choice, but that most people can't make even that decision.

Here's my initial thoughts, I'll probably swing by again for another edit, keep up the good work!

[tectak]

Hello Lizzie, you posted this in intensive so you obviously want some input. I have not read the other crits comments so forgive me if I repeat.
First off I am troubled by "form". Abandoning all rules is becoming quite the norm but it really does beg a few questions...like what is it if you give me no clues? It does not rhyme (it does  not have to); it has no metre (it does not have to); it follows no overall "pattern" (why should it?); it shows no consistency of line length or syllable count ( it is not supposed to). Right, so what you have written is a whole bunch of words which may or may not express some burning point with which the piece justifies its existence....so it had best be a bloody strong point or what is left? You see, one of the reasons we call this a poetry site is because there is "poetry" in, or on, it. Forgive me, but I cannot see any poetry in this piece...perhaps someone can tell me what makes it poetic, and by that I don't want anyone to try to define "poetry"...just tell me which bits are "poetic". A line by line will probably help me more than you so here goes.





The Jinni asks: how do you wish the very first line and there is a problem...or two. By phrasing, you imply that theJunni ASKS. That requires a narrative follow up. So" The Jinni asks, "How do you wish to die?"" Stop. Period by question mark. Now, who says  "It's (?) the gift of choice and knowledge, release from thickening suspense." ? Because you have not given the narrative limits, we shall never know. Nor do I know what (it's) is referring to. There is nothing in the preceeding phrase that requires descriptive input. How do you wish to die? Well, let me think, now. Hmm...hanging? No...poisoning...naw, not for me....hows about a horse fall? Wait...wait...I have (it)! It's the gift of choice and knowledge, release from the thickening suspense...yep, that's how I wish to die.....Huh...??
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge,
release from the thickening suspense. In a vague and subliminally surreal way, I can almost, but not quite, understand what someone is trying to say, here. I just know that I could re-write the last line so that readers would not need to winkle out that  the death moment refers....at least I hope that is what you mean. The PROBLEM is the unassociated "it's".I assume you wanted to avoid the repetition of "death"...as in "Death is a gift, wrapped in choice and knowledge, tied with a thick ribbon of suspense" Oh, bugger. I've re-written the line poetically. Sorry.

Do you want to die quick Quickly. There are only two states...the quick and the dead. If you are dead you are not quick...and vice-versa. Word use problem
like the lightning-crack of dynamite
or asteroid impact? Very bad form. How, in any reasonable polemic, is a death died quickly LIKE a crack of dynamite or an asteroid impact. You must ascertain which parameter of these two occurrences you are bringing in to your metaphor. This is classic "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana" stuff. What you (or someone) is meaning to say is " Do you want to die as quickly as dynamite detonates, or an asteroid hurtles in to the earth?" In other words, you are metaphorically mixing up death, with speed of death.
Do you want your body to remain
intact in hope of resurrection—
maybe heart attack or Anthrax? You are grasping around here, searching for a  for a demise or two that you can be reasonably sure leaves a body essentially intact and undamaged. Believe me, neither Anthrax nor a heart attack would do it....both cause serious damage. To be honest, this is not a fruitful line to pursue IMO 
Do you want the fame you didn't have What kind of bloody Jinni is this? Guiness Book of records, going viral? I feel that this is hopelessly reverse-anachronistic.Credibility issues
in life, a death for the Guinness books
and a story gone viral?

Do you want your death to dress
your story in white, bookends of goodness, Hmmmm...punctuation is a little flaky, here. "Do you want your death to dress your story in white?" Fine, can relate. Now how do you get out of "bookends of goodness......cloaking"? OK . Let's try again. "Do you want your death to dress you in white bookends  of goodness?", Huh? Nope...sure beats the shit outta me.
cloaking your putrid life
in fragrant funeral sheets? I rather like the thought of fragrant funeral sheet. I am surprised you didn't suggest a washing powder that could impart such an odiferous characteristic...Eau de Mort? Seriously, though, there is a sense that this is running out of steam. Even the "putrid" word, though highly emotive, is not getting through to me on a poetic level. It stands out like a lit candle on a slag heap.
The Jinni can grant you absolution:
save a Hybrid full of babies I have no idea what this means BUT with the history of this piece being what it is I can guess that you refer to a modern gas/electric vehicle...er, full of babies. What relevance to the poem, the vehicular mode, I cannot begin to see. You may as well have written "Save a 1982 Ford Capri with Mag alloy-wheels and white leather interior full of babies"(?)...
from a Humvee full of pedophiles
with twisted, pointy mustaches
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease. Where the hell is this going to (rapidly, in a hand cart)? How did we get here? Is this the same poem?

The Jinni is an ifrit— No. A (the) Jinni is not an Ifrit and notwithstanding the whole mythical/Arab/ underworld rubbish, just saying something is so does not make it so. If you want to write about mythology, please stick to the facts....harrrruuummmph. (joke)
it can make things happen.

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.

Most fall into silence, hoping
that the Jinni is the one who decides
whether dying must always result in death. These last two stanzas are the whole "poem". Get rid of the rest.

 Well, lizzie, that's my take.  I didn't like it but that's not the point. There are serious issues with the piece which almost certainly indicate that you think thoughts faster than you can turn them in to poetry. As a result, you make wild lunges in to the work instead of measured treads. The last two stanzas are the giveaway. Here is where the real thinking began and ended...nothing wrong with short-form. If you feel that I am unfair in my crit then give a thought to putting the last two stanzas first, following through with the same form in the next stanzas, and write in a constant chronology. I apologise in advance if I have missed seeing the elephant in the room....but if you mix myth with modernity you are bound to dilute your support
Best,
 tectak

[Lizzie]

Achebe, DQ, & tectak: thanks so much for your valuable feedback!

I will likely cut the whole 'body intact/resurrection' thing, so I'm going to make free to explain where I got that concept: https://cremationinstitute.com/can-catho...-cremated/

My thought was that some people might be concerned about dismemberment or burning, etc. I don't know about protestants, but the Catholic church has some "preferences" about how a body is to be interred with a view toward resurrection. The Egyptians preserved bodies and organs through mummification for use in the afterlife. This consideration of bodily integrity is something that's concerning to a lot of people, even if it's not for religious reasons as I said in the poem.

As for the ifrit issue, that's what I get for trusting a shady wiki article....

Obviously I don't science very well, and that will have to be rectified.

Again, thanks for all the crits, and I will respond to each of them in more detail once I've digested.

[vagabond]

hello Tektak!
I wouldn´t see that much issues.. for me the jinni seems to continue talking, like some salesman (speaking about himself in 3rd person) throughout most of the poem. i think it´s necessary basically to show how humans want to distract themselves from painful facts.
only the last two stanzas seem to give the view of some background narrator.
what I also like is that the question that is posed in the first stanza (wether knowing how one will die would be a relief of a sort) is ignored and the last stanza reveals the real question, which already has an answer. the last but one stanza in my view gives the only reasonable reaction: close your eyes to it and accept.
(could be I interpreted too much, but as the thread is that far along maybe it´s acceptable)

[tectak]

hello Tektak!
I wouldn´t see that much issues.. for me the jinni seems to continue talking, like some salesman (speaking about himself in 3rd person) throughout most of the poem. i think it´s necessary basically to show how humans want to distract themselves from painful facts.
only the last two stanzas seem to give the view of some background narrator.
what I also like is that the question that is posed in the first stanza (wether knowing how one will die would be a relief of a sort) is ignored and the last stanza reveals the real question, which already has an answer. the last but one stanza in my view gives the only reasonable reaction: close your eyes to it and accept.
(could be I interpreted too much, but as the thread is that far along maybe it´s acceptable)

vaga,
please confine your comments in this forum to critique of the poem. That is what the forum is for.
mod

[Todd]

Hi Lizzie,

I know you've gotten a few comments on this. Hopefully, these can bring additional clarity to the rewrite.

The Jinni asks: how do you wish--This is a strong line break. It makes the surprise of "to die?" that much better.
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge,--While I think this last sentence provides a motive for the wish it robs the opening of the tension. If you must bring these ideas in perhaps blend them into the overall body of the poem. I would very simply end S1 on "die". 
release from the thickening suspense.

Do you want to die quick--I don't like the repetition of to die. I would consider condensing these options. For example, Do you want/the lightning-crack of dynamite/or asteroid impact?
like the lightning-crack of dynamite
or asteroid impact?
Do you want your body to remain
intact in hope of resurrection—--Nice play on the idea if your hand offends you cut it off. It is better to enter eternal life crippled than to be cast whole into hell. I do feel though that heart attack or Anthrax should come before bodily ressurection.
maybe heart attack or Anthrax?
Do you want the fame you didn't have--This part seems like it should have its own strophe.
in life, a death for the Guinness books--in life may be unnecessary.
and a story gone viral?--viral is a good end word just because it is often associated with death (plague) and you repurpose it while still saying on theme.

Do you want your death to dress--Again I would cut the repetition and cut "your death"
your story in white, bookends of goodness,
cloaking your putrid life
in fragrant funeral sheets?--This is a good description of most every funeral. 
The Jinni can grant you absolution:
save a Hybrid full of babies
from a Humvee full of pedophiles
with twisted, pointy mustaches
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease.

The Jinni is an ifrit—
it can make things happen.--Not sure this strophe is needed.

Some people choose to simply --replace choose with wish
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.

Most fall into silence, hoping
that the Jinni is the one who decides
whether dying must always result in death. --I love the last line. It's the best in the poem.

I think you have something interesting here. I hope the comments are useful.

Best,

Todd

[CRNDLSM]

What I like most about this is picturing a jinni musing you

The Jinni asks: how do you wish genie of course, jinni way better
to die? It's the gift of choice and knowledge, it's is the wish or the death?
release from the thickening suspense.jinnis delight in harming people, can they kill or is this just torment?

Do you want to die quick
like the lightning-crack of dynamite
or asteroid impact? Nice imagery
Do you want your body to remaingood question cause dynamite and asteroid would leave no remain s
intact in hope of resurrection—intact in hope, how bout intact, hoping for
maybe heart attack or Anthrax? Why wish for something that draws out the pain? 
Do you want the fame you didn't have
in life, a death for the Guinness books I like this hadn't thought of it as an option, like Darwin Awards
and a story gone viral?

Do you want your death to dress
your story in white, bookends of goodness, white good
cloaking your putrid life Why putrid? Cause the jinni talking and all humans are putrid?
in fragrant funeral sheets? Good option niceimagery 
The Jinni can grant you absolution: nice line
save a Hybrid full of babies
from a Humvee full of pedophiles I like the exaggerated heroic action of goodness
with twisted, pointy mustaches but these next two lines could be another option of ridiculous heroism or bizarre circumstance because it's unclear who has the mustaches.
slicked slimy with trans-fatty fry grease.

The Jinni is an ifrit—
it can make things happen. I can't picture an ifrit, I looked it up and can't put this together, though I like the word ifrit but this line 'It can make things happen' is pretty chilling on its own.

Some people choose to simply
fall asleep;
they take a breath,
then exhale.nice alternative and change in tone

Most fall into silence, hoping very suspenseful
that the Jinni is the one who decides I like the displacement of responsibility
whether dying must always result in death. And the ending is like a super twist.  Cause really we are all dying already.  So this ending makes me teething the hoping for resurrection earlier , cause this is almost a repeat, 

Anyways, I enjoyed the read  thanks!

[Todd]

As I've reflected more on this piece, what I've liked the most is how the Jinni is a metaphor for God. The poem deals with the issue of how people deal with the uncertainty of death and the way they bargain. It explores the illusion of control.

[Lizzie]

Thanks, Crundalism and Todd. Really good feedback. >< 

Crundle: in a couple of places, I couldn't make out what you were getting at.

You both seem to read some protestant undertones to this, and I'm sure that's accurate given my history. I wonder if that impacts the piece negatively, given the original story is "The Fisherman and the Demon" from Arabian Nights.

I appreciate the clarity on what's working thematically so that I make sure I don't stray from that in revisions.

Groovy. I'm working on revising on and off. I do that. It takes a while. But, it will happen.