mighty shy muse (edit)

[vagabond]

Hi - I think your attempts to marshall your verse into rhyme are the biggest set-backs to the poem. This forces rhymes like 'obtuse' - a statement that isn't borne out in the rest of the poem. Sudden leap to past  tense in the final line is also a little confusing.
you´re right, I searched for a word that rhymed, but I thought "obtuse"would fit to the second stanza, with this impulse to press things in meter and rhyme without giving real content.


mighty shy muse
 

lousy little underweight muse
feral furry creature of blues
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse Lousy, feral, and cute? Hard to imagine.      something small like a kitten can also be feral if it´s not tame. and sometimes small animals can bite as well if they feel threatened.
 
sticky sentences disrupted
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted I'm not keen on sticky/picky/icky - childish against disrupted, neglected, retracted
 
trembling you tend to the dark not sure why the muse trembles   
my stories are short-lived like sparks
at least obvious lies you´ll distort  reversal of word order - why?    i admit it was for meter (and the meter is even wrong I see now), I ll try to change that!
 
send us Thorn to fly astray, Why would a dragon fly astray? Only to make a rhyme?   
bend and burn the rules away,
mend the dreams, let chaos reign the muse has god-like powers? Lousy and feral as it is?   i was thinking of something like freeing the subconscious, breaking rational restraints.. I know it´s kind of illogical and schizo, mixing up subject (rational consciousness) and the muse (subconscious).
I wanted the non-cursive lines to show the somewhat forced (iambs since I associated them with military marches here),  neurotic attempts of the subject to free the muse. so yes, it comes across as trying to be god-like but really is helpless.

the next stanza with the muse (as well as the subject, since it´s really the same person) somehow should decloak the failure.

freedom moves never in marches. reversed word order feels wrong
 i tried to create something like dactyls just because I didn´t want the poem to switch between meter and no meter. I ll try to correct the word reversals that I made just for this sake.
dragons? not for those who fear torches… no idea who fears torches     people who fear their subconsciousness
again, your voice faded, I´m searching.  weak ending, no punch to it
 
 
 

thanks so much for your detailed reply! I had no idea it sounded this awkward, well, maybe I repressed my doubs .. I ll try and write it down in free verse to see if the content changes.

---

Hi vagabond.


mighty shy muse                                  does mighty describe the shyness of the muse or is the muse mighty?
                                                                                                      the first L seems to be contrary to the title

lousy little underweight muse                 a poet is struggling
feral furry creature of blues                    I only think of cats when I think feral      that´s nice, I thought of cats, too!
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse                  a beckoning with a warning, or sarcasm?
 
sticky sentences disrupted                      seems the muse is responsible for this list stanza...
picky issues well neglected                      
icky words again retracted                       
 
trembling you tend to the dark                since when do poets judge their muse?   
my stories are short-lived like sparks         this line lacks balance
at least obvious lies you´ll distort              I know since it's not an outline you cannot give an example or elaborate
I was thinking of rational thoughts (that sometimes only seem rational and really are self-delusions) being distorted by the subconsciousness (which is what the muse is here)
 
send us Thorn to fly astray,                       I understand this all to well, though never associated it with a muse.
bend and burn the rules away,                  do muses have rules?   no
mend the dreams, let chaos reign              this line speaks of temptation
 
freedom moves never in marches.             no, but marches might be a form of freedom    I was talking of military marches, but you mean demonstrations.  seen like that a march can be a fight for freedom, since I ll try and see what can be changed in my poem to make more sense thanks for this association
dragons? not for those who fear torches… not sure about this one.
again, your voice faded, I´m searching.      I feel like the poem needs another stanza.




The poem seems to be about the frustration of a poet caused by the lack of cooperation of the muse, but then it seems the narrator is speaking for all poets, or many poets, (us). I'm not sure a muse and a thorn in the side are the same, but I suppose it has always made good/myserious metaphor.
thanks for thorn in the side as well, maybe it makes a better metaphor than Thorn, the dragon
 
All the best,
nibbed

thank you for your comment and your interpretation! yes, the content is partly about frustration and the rest I ll try to make clearer.