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mighty shy muse (1st edit thanks mercedes, nibbed)
lousy little underweight muse
feral furry creature of blues
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse
sticky sentences disrupted
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted
trembling you tend to the dark
obvious lies you´ll distort
stories as short-lived as sparks
send a dragon, scorch my chains
bend and burn the rules away
mend the dreams, let chaos reign
freedom does not move in marches
fire? not for those who fear torches...
again, your voice gone, I am searching
prev. version:
mighty shy muse
lousy little underweight muse
feral furry creature of blues
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse
sticky sentences disrupted
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted
trembling you tend to the dark
my stories are short-lived like sparks
at least obvious lies you´ll distort
send us Thorn to fly astray,
bend and burn the rules away,
mend the dreams, let chaos reign
freedom moves never in marches.
dragons? not for those who fear torches…
again, your voice faded, I´m searching.
Posts: 47
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2017
(07-02-2017, 04:16 AM)vagabond Wrote: mighty shy muse
lausy little underweight muse Typo - Lousy?
feral furry creature of blues
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse
sticky sentences disrupted
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted
trembling you tend to the dark I would omit 'to' here
my stories are short-lived like sparks Since you're going alot of rhyme, perhaps go for "My short-lived stories are like a spark"
at least obvious lies you´ll distort
send us Thorn to fly astray, What do you mean with 'Send us thorn'?
bend and burn the rules away
mend the dreams, let chaos reign
freedom moves never in marches. Swapping 'never' with 'moves' makes for a more logical order of words
dragons? not for those who fear torches…
again, your voice faded, I´m searching. The voice of freedom?
Interesting Poem, Vaga. To me, it describes the love/hate relationship with that of a muse. It gives you short sparks of imagination and almost brilliant ideas, but as soon as you want to write them down, they fade away. Once they've faded, you'll spend a period chasing the echoes and salvaging the small remains.
Thanks for sharing this, Vaga!
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(07-02-2017, 04:34 AM)The Four-Eyed Cat Wrote: (07-02-2017, 04:16 AM)vagabond Wrote: mighty shy muse
lausy little underweight muse Typo - Lousy?
feral furry creature of blues
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse
sticky sentences disrupted
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted
trembling you tend to the dark I would omit 'to' here
my stories are short-lived like sparks Since you're going alot of rhyme, perhaps go for "My short-lived stories are like a spark"
at least obvious lies you´ll distort
send us Thorn to fly astray, What do you mean with 'Send us thorn'?
bend and burn the rules away
mend the dreams, let chaos reign
freedom moves never in marches. Swapping 'never' with 'moves' makes for a more logical order of words
dragons? not for those who fear torches…
again, your voice faded, I´m searching. The voice of freedom? that of the muse
Interesting Poem, Vaga. To me, it describes the love/hate relationship with that of a muse. It gives you short sparks of imagination and almost brilliant ideas, but as soon as you want to write them down, they fade away. Once they've faded, you'll spend a period chasing the echoes and salvaging the small remains.
Thanks for sharing this, Vaga!
spelling error corrected, thank you for your comment!
Thorn´s a dragon
just mercedes
Unregistered
(07-02-2017, 04:16 AM)vagabond Wrote: Hi - I think your attempts to marshall your verse into rhyme are the biggest set-backs to the poem. This forces rhymes like 'obtuse' - a statement that isn't borne out in the rest of the poem. Sudden leap to past tense in the final line is also a little confusing.
mighty shy muse
lousy little underweight muse
feral furry creature of blues
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse Lousy, feral, and cute? Hard to imagine.
sticky sentences disrupted
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted I'm not keen on sticky/picky/icky - childish against disrupted, neglected, retracted
trembling you tend to the dark not sure why the muse trembles
my stories are short-lived like sparks
at least obvious lies you´ll distort reversal of word order - why?
send us Thorn to fly astray, Why would a dragon fly astray? Only to make a rhyme?
bend and burn the rules away,
mend the dreams, let chaos reign the muse has god-like powers? Lousy and feral as it is?
freedom moves never in marches. reversed word order feels wrong
dragons? not for those who fear torches… no idea who fears torches
again, your voice faded, I´m searching. weak ending, no punch to it
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Hi vagabond. 
mighty shy muse does mighty describe the shyness of the muse or is the muse mighty?
the first L seems to be contrary to the title
lousy little underweight muse a poet is struggling
feral furry creature of blues I only think of cats when I think feral
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse a beckoning with a warning, or sarcasm?
sticky sentences disrupted seems the muse is responsible for this list stanza...
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted
trembling you tend to the dark since when do poets judge their muse?
my stories are short-lived like sparks this line lacks balance
at least obvious lies you´ll distort I know since it's not an outline you cannot give an example or elaborate
send us Thorn to fly astray, I understand this all to well, though never associated it with a muse.
bend and burn the rules away, do muses have rules?
mend the dreams, let chaos reign this line speaks of temptation
freedom moves never in marches. no, but marches might be a form of freedom
dragons? not for those who fear torches… not sure about this one.
again, your voice faded, I´m searching. I feel like the poem needs another stanza.
The poem seems to be about the frustration of a poet caused by the lack of cooperation of the muse, but then it seems the narrator is speaking for all poets, or many poets, (us). I'm not sure a muse and a thorn in the side are the same, but I suppose it has always made good/myserious metaphor.
All the best,
nibbed
there's always a better reason to love
Posts: 298
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2014
(07-02-2017, 11:54 AM)just mercedes Wrote: (07-02-2017, 04:16 AM)vagabond Wrote: Hi - I think your attempts to marshall your verse into rhyme are the biggest set-backs to the poem. This forces rhymes like 'obtuse' - a statement that isn't borne out in the rest of the poem. Sudden leap to past tense in the final line is also a little confusing.
you´re right, I searched for a word that rhymed, but I thought "obtuse"would fit to the second stanza, with this impulse to press things in meter and rhyme without giving real content.
mighty shy muse
lousy little underweight muse
feral furry creature of blues
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse Lousy, feral, and cute? Hard to imagine. something small like a kitten can also be feral if it´s not tame. and sometimes small animals can bite as well if they feel threatened.
sticky sentences disrupted
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted I'm not keen on sticky/picky/icky - childish against disrupted, neglected, retracted
trembling you tend to the dark not sure why the muse trembles
my stories are short-lived like sparks
at least obvious lies you´ll distort reversal of word order - why? i admit it was for meter (and the meter is even wrong I see now), I ll try to change that!
send us Thorn to fly astray, Why would a dragon fly astray? Only to make a rhyme?
bend and burn the rules away,
mend the dreams, let chaos reign the muse has god-like powers? Lousy and feral as it is? i was thinking of something like freeing the subconscious, breaking rational restraints.. I know it´s kind of illogical and schizo, mixing up subject (rational consciousness) and the muse (subconscious).
I wanted the non-cursive lines to show the somewhat forced (iambs since I associated them with military marches here), neurotic attempts of the subject to free the muse. so yes, it comes across as trying to be god-like but really is helpless.
the next stanza with the muse (as well as the subject, since it´s really the same person) somehow should decloak the failure.
freedom moves never in marches. reversed word order feels wrong
i tried to create something like dactyls just because I didn´t want the poem to switch between meter and no meter. I ll try to correct the word reversals that I made just for this sake.
dragons? not for those who fear torches… no idea who fears torches people who fear their subconsciousness
again, your voice faded, I´m searching. weak ending, no punch to it
thanks so much for your detailed reply! I had no idea it sounded this awkward, well, maybe I repressed my doubs .. I ll try and write it down in free verse to see if the content changes.
(07-02-2017, 02:52 PM)nibbed Wrote: Hi vagabond.
mighty shy muse does mighty describe the shyness of the muse or is the muse mighty?
the first L seems to be contrary to the title
lousy little underweight muse a poet is struggling
feral furry creature of blues I only think of cats when I think feral that´s nice, I thought of cats, too!
come, cutie, I´m too obtuse a beckoning with a warning, or sarcasm?
sticky sentences disrupted seems the muse is responsible for this list stanza...
picky issues well neglected
icky words again retracted
trembling you tend to the dark since when do poets judge their muse?
my stories are short-lived like sparks this line lacks balance
at least obvious lies you´ll distort I know since it's not an outline you cannot give an example or elaborate
I was thinking of rational thoughts (that sometimes only seem rational and really are self-delusions) being distorted by the subconsciousness (which is what the muse is here)
send us Thorn to fly astray, I understand this all to well, though never associated it with a muse.
bend and burn the rules away, do muses have rules? no
mend the dreams, let chaos reign this line speaks of temptation
freedom moves never in marches. no, but marches might be a form of freedom I was talking of military marches, but you mean demonstrations. seen like that a march can be a fight for freedom, since I ll try and see what can be changed in my poem to make more sense thanks for this association
dragons? not for those who fear torches… not sure about this one.
again, your voice faded, I´m searching. I feel like the poem needs another stanza.
The poem seems to be about the frustration of a poet caused by the lack of cooperation of the muse, but then it seems the narrator is speaking for all poets, or many poets, (us). I'm not sure a muse and a thorn in the side are the same, but I suppose it has always made good/myserious metaphor.
thanks for thorn in the side as well, maybe it makes a better metaphor than Thorn, the dragon
All the best,
nibbed
thank you for your comment and your interpretation! yes, the content is partly about frustration and the rest I ll try to make clearer.
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