06-24-2017, 06:00 AM
Hi Waneerie -- I do rather wish I could read Italian to compare but I'm going to have faith in your translation. The original sounds rather lovely but I fear that my attempts at Italian sound somewhat like a Super Mario impression.
To be faithful to the spirit of the poem, I'd quite like to see a small rearranging of some lines as I think that may serve you better. For example, there are a lot of syntactical inversions and I find this actually detracts somewhat from the beauty of the words themselves.
Resounded the silent
Rooms, and the streets' maze,
With your ceaseless song
Could work just as authentically, and more pleasingly in English, as:
The silent rooms
and the streets' maze
resounded with your ceaseless song
The entire second and third strophes are somewhat strangled by grammatical choices that drag the reader out of the "flow" of the poem and force re-reading. This can be a useful tool, but it doesn't seem right in this case -- particularly when you're not really constrained by rhyme (although a rule of thumb is if a rhyme forces the grammar into unnatural poses, change your rhyme. There's always a way.)
There are some glorious lines, and delightful images. The opening strophe is lovely, and "the sky's clear belt" series. The closing is sombre, desolate and an excellent companion to the green and youthful imagery in the middle of the poem.
I think this is well on its way to being a fine translation and of course, the challenge is how true to stay to the original. I would say that in a poem as lyrical as this one, there is a great importance on keeper the reader in the moment and allowing them full access to the emotions, rather than perfect line-by-line translation.
To be faithful to the spirit of the poem, I'd quite like to see a small rearranging of some lines as I think that may serve you better. For example, there are a lot of syntactical inversions and I find this actually detracts somewhat from the beauty of the words themselves.
Resounded the silent
Rooms, and the streets' maze,
With your ceaseless song
Could work just as authentically, and more pleasingly in English, as:
The silent rooms
and the streets' maze
resounded with your ceaseless song
The entire second and third strophes are somewhat strangled by grammatical choices that drag the reader out of the "flow" of the poem and force re-reading. This can be a useful tool, but it doesn't seem right in this case -- particularly when you're not really constrained by rhyme (although a rule of thumb is if a rhyme forces the grammar into unnatural poses, change your rhyme. There's always a way.)
There are some glorious lines, and delightful images. The opening strophe is lovely, and "the sky's clear belt" series. The closing is sombre, desolate and an excellent companion to the green and youthful imagery in the middle of the poem.
I think this is well on its way to being a fine translation and of course, the challenge is how true to stay to the original. I would say that in a poem as lyrical as this one, there is a great importance on keeper the reader in the moment and allowing them full access to the emotions, rather than perfect line-by-line translation.
It could be worse