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fat rats ( edit, thanks to Tiger, Nibbed, Luis)
is the energy of guilt measured in calories?
who draws a worth from this word?
anyway, pay with remorse.
how to get rid of remorse?
ever tried to remove a shadow?
can´t touch either and both will not leave.
how far does this shadow reach?
it´s pulling me back to the past.
rats gnawing, concealed in the dark.
what´s there to live on for those rats?
oh, they are overweight,
fed up, but hungry,
always find more.
previous:
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(06-23-2017, 01:13 AM)vagabond Wrote: fat rats
what is the energy of guilt? ambiguous for an opener. Do you mean 'from where comes the energy of guilt' or 'how powerful is guilt' This reader wants to be drawn into the poem before having to think.
what is the worth of this word?
in equivalent, pay with remorse.
what is the proof of remorse?
what is the proof of a shadow? I don't see how the repetition adds here.
both can´t be touched, but won´t leave. neither can* - and*
how is the damn shadow connected? IMO "damn" is unneeded commentary.
how can it pull back to the past? awkward
rats gnawing, concealed in the dark.
what do they live on, those rats?
oh, they are overweight, I say no to 'oh,'
fed up, but hungry,
always need more. always needing more? They need more?
Hello Vagabond. Mostly some suggestions for cutting bits that might move the piece along. Hope you don't mind for a misc post.
Paul
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(06-23-2017, 07:51 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: Hello Vagabond. Mostly some suggestions for cutting bits that might move the piece along. Hope you don't mind for a misc post.
Paul
I certainly don´t mind! the poem is in misc because I´ m mainly interested how (or if) it can be interpreted by readers.
thanks for all your suggestions, I ll use them for an edit. btw with "energy" I meant "energy as in the thing measured in calories". I ll try to make this clearer.
(06-23-2017, 08:40 AM)Luis A. Estable Wrote: The first stanza is compact in meaning and encloses a very interesting question of point of view. A quilt is a word, but also it represents an action. That who feels guilty has done something, so the quilt is not so abstract as love or happiness, so there is the energy of quilt in my estimation, as an action or deed done.
I notice that this poem could be divided into two sections or parts. The first is made of one thought only. It tackles one aspect of life. The section part deviates from the first by quite a margin and bears no relation to the first part, so the poem as a whole has its faults but as writing it does succeed and has merit.
Thank you and good day.
thanks for commenting!
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hi vagabond. I don't want your poem to be buried or ignored. I don't know how much help I can be. Environmental junk overhead has made me wonderfully numb and useless, but I will try my best.
fat rats this could be like a lab experiment or maybe someone not as revered as a fat cat, though
are fat cats revered? ha. no.
what is the energy of guilt? guilt is wastefulness, but conviction is another story
what is the worth of this word? a pen can be powerful
in equivalent, pay with remorse. some people suffer it, but hide it well or wish to get beyond it for helaths sake
what is the proof of remorse? good question
what is the proof of a shadow? the presence light against matter
both can´t be touched, but won´t leave. true
how is the damn shadow connected?
how can it pull back to the past?
rats gnawing, concealed in the dark. this line is mysterious to me
what do they live on, those rats? bitterness maybe, power to torment, it's sad
oh, they are overweight,
fed up, but hungry,
always need more. I guess this answers the question of rats vs. cats
the poem is mysterious, but I think the ending needs to
be stronger, or tie together the whole poem. Thank you
for the interesting read, vagabond.
janine
there's always a better reason to love
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(06-23-2017, 10:34 AM)nibbed Wrote: hi vagabond. I don't want your poem to be buried or ignored. I don't know how much help I can be. Environmental junk overhead has made me wonderfully numb and useless, but I will try my best.
fat rats this could be like a lab experiment or maybe someone not as revered as a fat cat, though
are fat cats revered? ha. no.
what is the energy of guilt? guilt is wastefulness, but conviction is another story
what is the worth of this word? a pen can be powerful
in equivalent, pay with remorse. some people suffer it, but hide it well or wish to get beyond it for helaths sake
what is the proof of remorse? good question
what is the proof of a shadow? the presence light against matter
both can´t be touched, but won´t leave. true
how is the damn shadow connected?
how can it pull back to the past?
rats gnawing, concealed in the dark. this line is mysterious to me
what do they live on, those rats? bitterness maybe, power to torment, it's sad
oh, they are overweight,
fed up, but hungry,
always need more. I guess this answers the question of rats vs. cats
the poem is mysterious, but I think the ending needs to
be stronger, or tie together the whole poem. Thank you
for the interesting read, vagabond.
janine
thanks for your comment, you got it right about the poem containing bitterness (hadn´t really realized that myself).
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Hi vagabond. Good edit. It's really clearer, more concise,
but enough mystery to make it very cool and outstretching.
I'm glad I came back to read the edit.
fat rats ( edit, thanks to Tiger, Nibbed, Luis)
is the energy of guilt measured in calories?
who draws a worth from this word?
anyway, pay with remorse.
how to get rid of remorse?
ever tried to remove a shadow? I like this.
can´t touch either and both will not leave.
how far does this shadow reach?
it´s pulling me back to the past.
rats gnawing, concealed in the dark. so, rats are the feelings of guilt. Interesting how that can be true.
what´s there to live on for those rats?
oh, they are overweight,
fed up, but hungry,
always find more. give them Old Mother Hubbard's Cupboard! 
there's always a better reason to love
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