06-07-2017, 05:00 AM
Hi Richard,
I'm a fan of this poem for sure but agree with others that some of the imagery could be a bit more probing, there are lots of times when I feel like it is almost reaching something really immediate/urgent, but it stops before it does. Maybe switching out some of the more commonly used descriptive words could help? e.g, switching dark in line one for 'black', or 'blank', or 'pitch', or changing the line around so that it reads something like 'I am a room of dark/darkness'.
Similarly, I think more could be added in terms of description/imagery in other parts of the poem. Maybe consider personifying aspects, like the 'ight' at the start of the second verse. For example, 'you are the worried light', or something to that affect?
I'm a fan of this poem for sure but agree with others that some of the imagery could be a bit more probing, there are lots of times when I feel like it is almost reaching something really immediate/urgent, but it stops before it does. Maybe switching out some of the more commonly used descriptive words could help? e.g, switching dark in line one for 'black', or 'blank', or 'pitch', or changing the line around so that it reads something like 'I am a room of dark/darkness'.
Similarly, I think more could be added in terms of description/imagery in other parts of the poem. Maybe consider personifying aspects, like the 'ight' at the start of the second verse. For example, 'you are the worried light', or something to that affect?