06-07-2017, 04:37 AM
Much of this poem I find very arresting. I'm torn, because I like the use of the word 'deserted' in the third to last line, what it evokes etc., but I feel like it breaks the flow of the words that come before it. I feel like the poem would flow better aloud if the word 'deserted' was replaced by something shorter, e.g 'left', though this could be at the detriment of the poem's emotive quality.
A fan of the reference to unconventional line breaks in a poem filled with them. However, I'd consider breaking the third line of the second stanza at 'sorry' rather than 'but', so it would read:
were never enough -- we said sorry
but we couldn't connect, broke our lines in
A fan of the reference to unconventional line breaks in a poem filled with them. However, I'd consider breaking the third line of the second stanza at 'sorry' rather than 'but', so it would read:
were never enough -- we said sorry
but we couldn't connect, broke our lines in