Moving (Edit #1)

[aschueler]

Copious apologies for nearly abandoning this very poem and thanks for the input I received.  I have been working a lot and didn't have time to address everyone's valued input.  

(Still having trouble with the verbiage of the eye --> I am aiming for an the eye of the bird getting uncomfortably close to yours and staring at you.  Any advice appreciated)


We abandoned the buried revenants
    in an ancient sand dune.
Adjacent, an inverted spiral 
    fills slowly with water, 
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet
    perpetually dry
How long, how much water until
    you can float?  Be still, supine.
    Hold your breath in, maybe
    as it fills
    you can rise
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck 
     so its eyelashed black eye draws to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.







VERSION #1

We buried revenants in the sand of an ancient dune 
and then abandoned them.

Adjacently is an inverted spiral 
    filling slowly with water,
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet dry.
How long, how much water until
    you can float?
    If you lie supine
    hold your breath in, 
    be still, maybe you can rise
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck 
     so its eyelashed dark eye closes to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.

[dukealien]

We buried revenants in the sand of an ancient dune 
    and then abandoned them.  could lose "the sand" and "and" which are implied

Adjacently is an inverted spiral 
    filling slowly with water,  make active by losing "is", sub "fills" for "filling" - but static also good here
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet dry.  hyphen needed ("spring-fed") which preserves the spiral/spring connection

How long, how much water until
    you can float?
    If you lie supine
    hold your breath in, 
    be still, maybe you can rise
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks  perhaps lose "along" and move line break to after "bird?"
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck  "long" seems redundant with "sinuous"
     so its eyelashed dark eye closes to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.

Some arresting images here.  My overall suggestion, in mild critique, would be to strengthen them by eliminating unnecessary words (see above).  The poem is stark; this would intensify that quality.

Ingenious aspects are an *inverted* spiral (a real brain-twister) and bird eyelashes (suggesting a Sphinx-like human head).  An engagingly mysterious poem - good read!

[aschueler]

We buried revenants in the sand of an ancient dune 
    and then abandoned them.  could lose "the sand" and "and" which are implied

Adjacently is an inverted spiral 
    filling slowly with water,  make active by losing "is", sub "fills" for "filling" - but static also good here
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet dry.  hyphen needed ("spring-fed") which preserves the spiral/spring connection

How long, how much water until
    you can float?
    If you lie supine
    hold your breath in, 
    be still, maybe you can rise
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks  perhaps lose "along" and move line break to after "bird?"
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck  "long" seems redundant with "sinuous"
     so its eyelashed dark eye closes to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.

Some arresting images here.  My overall suggestion, in mild critique, would be to strengthen them by eliminating unnecessary words (see above).  The poem is stark; this would intensify that quality.

Ingenious aspects are an *inverted* spiral (a real brain-twister) and bird eyelashes (suggesting a Sphinx-like human head).  An engagingly mysterious poem - good read!

Thanks for reading.  I appreciate the suggestions in cutting down the verbiage!  I especially appreciate "fills" etc., not sure why I didn't catch that before but it's much better.

It is out there, I half expected first comment to be completely "weird shit".

[CarrieChristo]

How long, how much water until
you can float?
I usually don't like blatant questions in poetry but I love this. It is simple and stark. I feel the sense that someone is patient and deserving for their time to let go.
I also love the threat of the bird at the end. He makes me unsettled in the best of ways.

[aschueler]

How long, how much water until
    you can float?
I usually don't like blatant questions in poetry but I love this.  It is simple and stark. I feel the sense that someone is patient and deserving for their time to let go.
I also love the threat of the bird at the end.  He makes me unsettled in the best of ways.

Thanks, Carrie.  Anything that doesn't work as well for you?  

Will will put a revision up likely sometime this weekend.

[burrealist]

We buried revenants in the sand of an ancient dune There's a lot of words here! This reminds me of the Leo D. film, Revenants.
    and then abandoned them. 

Adjacently is an inverted spiral I have trouble reading "Adjacently". "An adjacent, inverted spiral" seems to work better. Otherwise, I would suggest figuring new ways to describe what an adjacent spiral looks like.
    filling slowly with water,
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet dry.
How long, how much water until
    you can float?
    If you lie supine
    hold your breath in, 
    be still, maybe you can rise
    but not turn over. What are you suggesting here? Drowning? Ascension?

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand. This gives a nice, surreal image.
It recurves its long sinuous neck 
     so its eyelashed dark eye closes to yours, I think you can eliminate "dark" for a better effect.
     inquisitive of your motive.

Check your phrasing here and there. Otherwise, you really challenge yourself using collegiate words. This is an impressive skill.

[CRNDLSM]

We buried revenants in the sand of an ancient dune i get from this something that was gone came back, then they were buried and abandoned, like they were supposed to be gone, and now were trying to ensure it
    and then abandoned them.

Adjacently is an inverted spiral adjacently or adjacent?
    filling slowly with water, i do love these descriptions, this one reminds me of the other side of the world and how water flows
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet dry.
How long, how much water until
    you can float? interesting question, you cant float until the water is at least tall enough to get you off the ground, but if you take in water, you will sink
    If you lie supine
    hold your breath in, 
    be still, maybe you can rise be still, like quick sand, 
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks at first i didnt like disturbingly, but dang it works for an eerie bird eyeballing me
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck 
     so its eyelashed dark eye closes to yours, does this mean its making its blink rate the same as yours, matching you to see what youll do?
     inquisitive of your motive.

i dont get the title unless its the water moving, or a people moving due to changes of weather, so when you say be still earlier to rise out of water that may drown you, you are currently moving.   interesting work for sure

[aschueler]

Posted an update, thanks for everyone who has posted input

[vagabond]

We abandoned the buried revenants     I´d think something that was buried is already abandoned.
    in an ancient sand dune.         aren´t dunes ever-moving and therefore can´t be ancient? if that contradiction was intended maybe you could show how and why
Adjacent, an inverted spiral 
    fills slowly with water, 
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet      OK, I understand that something that´s made of sand won´t hold water, but I wonder if there is or should be something in the poem´s imagery surrounding the sand, which soaks up all the water?
    perpetually dry
How long, how much water until     I´d leave the “how long” out, the metaphor is clear enough
    you can float?  Be still, supine.      the subject seems to be floating, but where did the water come from now when it was perpetually dry before? or is the floating just a dream/ a wish? and I still got no idea what “floating” could mean. 
    Hold your breath in, maybe
as it fills
     you can rise
     but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck
     so its eyelashed black eye draws to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.              at the moment I feel a little like this bird but not because I´d understand its intent in the poem (except if that feeling is part of your intent, then you succeeded)   

while i like the word flow and images a lot I can´t find a meaning.
especially those buried remnants of the first line, can´t see any hint of what they´re about in the following lines (except maybe the bird´s searching for them but that seems too far-fetched)

[just mercedes]

We abandoned the buried revenants There's something not at all clear to me here - revenants, those returned, but from where, why abandoned, and why does it matter that the sand dune is ancient?
   in an ancient sand dune.
Adjacent, an inverted spiral I have no idea what an inverted spiral is, apart from a way of weaving links to make jewelry. That doesn't fit here.
   fills slowly with water, Ah, so it's hollow? Why the sudden leap from past tense to present?
   a large sand bowl spring fed yet An inverted spiral is a bowl?
   perpetually dry How can it be both perpetually dry, and filling with water?
How long, how much water until
   you can float?  Be still, supine. Switch from 'we' to 'you'. not clear why
   Hold your breath in, maybe 'in' not needed
   as it fills
   you can rise
   but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks 'disturbingly large' feels clumsy. What kind of bird? Specific
    along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck
    so its eyelashed black eye draws to yours, birds that have eyelashes are few - ostrich, hornbill, Amazon parrot - none of these seem to fit here.
    inquisitive of your motive. clunky construction


Hi aschueler! I like a bit of mystery in a  poem, but yours has too much for me! I can't make a connection between the two stanzas at all, or between the buried revenants and the rest of the first stanza, or the rest of the poem.

[elleblack]

Copious apologies for nearly abandoning this very poem and thanks for the input I received.  I have been working a lot and didn't have time to address everyone's valued input.  

(Still having trouble with the verbiage of the eye --> I am aiming for an the eye of the bird getting uncomfortably close to yours and staring at you.  Any advice appreciated)


We abandoned the buried revenants
    in an ancient sand dune.
Adjacent, an inverted spiral 
    fills slowly with water, 
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet
    perpetually dry
How long, how much water until
    you can float?  Be still, supine.
    Hold your breath in, maybe
    as it fills
    you can rise
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck 
     so its eyelashed black eye draws to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.







VERSION #1

We buried revenants in the sand of an ancient dune 
and then abandoned them.

Adjacently is an inverted spiral 
    filling slowly with water,
    a large sand bowl spring fed yet dry.
How long, how much water until
    you can float?
    If you lie supine
    hold your breath in, 
    be still, maybe you can rise
    but not turn over.

A disturbingly large bird stilt-walks
     along the sand.
It recurves its long sinuous neck 
     so its eyelashed dark eye closes to yours,
     inquisitive of your motive.

I'm a fan of the line placement in this! 
The word 'disturbingly' in the first line of the second stanza (although it works in terms of meaning) seems out of place in this poem because of its length, and the presence of so many two-syllable words. It breaks the flow of the poem for me; maybe try using 'disturb/disturbs' instead of disturbingly, and placing it somewhere else? e.g 'A large bird disturbs, stilt-walks along the sand' 

I feel the same about the word 'inquisitive', although this might just be personal taste. I would consider changing the line so that it reads more as though the bird is actively asking something, extending the idea that the bird is sentient/intelligent/aware - e.g: 'asking about your motive'