Third Edit: Denial

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Third Edit: Denial

Achebe Offline

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The Fourth Stooge

Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015

#3

06-04-2017, 08:58 PM

(06-04-2017, 12:49 PM)Richard Wrote: Denial

I am a dark room:
curtains drawn,
mirror made meaningless, ....smart line
consciousness defiled by the unconscious. ....too wordy, comes across as trying to sound profound

You are the light
shining against my window, ....drop 'shining', I'd suggest.
hot like temptation. ....weak ending. A simile of a metaphor rarely works. Also, as ella said, cliched.

~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe

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Messages In This Thread

Third Edit: Denial - by Richard - 06-04-2017, 12:49 PM

RE: Denial - by ellajam - 06-04-2017, 06:28 PM

RE: Denial - by Achebe - 06-04-2017, 08:58 PM

RE: Denial - by RiverNotch - 06-05-2017, 12:55 AM

RE: Denial - by Richard - 06-05-2017, 03:26 AM

RE: Denial - by vagabond - 06-05-2017, 04:56 AM

RE: Denial - by ellajam - 06-05-2017, 08:12 AM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by Richard - 06-05-2017, 01:12 PM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by Achebe - 06-05-2017, 09:10 PM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by Richard - 06-06-2017, 11:02 AM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by elleblack - 06-07-2017, 05:00 AM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by Richard - 06-07-2017, 11:11 AM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by The Four-Eyed Cat - 06-09-2017, 08:21 AM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by nibbed - 06-09-2017, 11:58 AM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by nibbed - 06-09-2017, 08:40 PM

RE: First Edit: Denial - by Richard - 06-10-2017, 11:49 AM

RE: Second Edit: Denial - by Richard - 06-16-2017, 12:42 PM

RE: Third Edit: Denial - by Richard - 08-26-2017, 05:02 AM

RE: Third Edit: Denial - by Todd - 08-26-2017, 05:56 AM

RE: Third Edit: Denial - by Richard - 08-26-2017, 11:47 AM

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