the nightmall dream v1.5

[Achebe]

the nightmall dream ...as a pun on 'nightmare', perhaps'the nightmall' would be better?



The monolith
rises. The highway ends,
the parking lot begins. Evenings flocked
by starlings -- scrub it out, scrub it out. ...the first three lines have a sequence of clean, striking images. I'm not sure why you bring starlings in here. It's only weakly surreal, and fritters away the gains of the first three lines.

Once, and not a more sustained
adverb, we used to wait. Words, we claimed,
were never enough -- we said sorry but
we couldn't connect, broke our lines in
the wrongest ways, rhymed without purpose, caressed ...I like this strophe in itself, but I would rather see it in a different poem. 

you run from crimes you don't remember. you can't look back.
you reach the lot. you dig for keys: the guards, half on foot and half on segways, track ...There's too much happening here. Guards giving chase would make sense if you were trying to get away, not park. I get that a dream's not supposed to make sense, but this feels like a random jumble of images that could have been replaced by any other random jumble of images.
like hounds. instead of guns they've tied together sticks, and your bombshell partner's
deserted you: she's covered the way to your car in slicks, in jelly beans. 
the tires skid. as you fly away to heaven, she sucks in the sound
of the supermarket, butchers splitting wings from legs....the ending is well done again. I can hear the 'thud'.