the nightmall dream v1.5

[Richard]

Hey RiverNotch,
This poem has a strong surreal feeling to it, which is appropriate because the title implies that it is a dream. I'll go into more detail below:
 

the nightmall dream -I get that "nightmall" is a play on nightmare and the setting. It just seems like you're taking too much poetic license here, but that is purely my opinion as I am sure others would disagree. 



The monolith -I assume the monolith is the mall. I like it being described that way.
rises. The highway ends,
the parking lot begins. Evenings flocked
by starlings -- scrub it out, scrub it out. -I have no idea why there are starlings at the mall, but that just adds to the surreal atmosphere of the poem.

Once, and not a more sustained
adverb, we used to wait. Words, we claimed, -Wait for what? For some reason I envision a bus since this is happening at a mall.
were never enough -- we said sorry but
we couldn't connect, broke our lines in
the wrongest ways, rhymed without purpose, caressed -Most of this stanza seems to be talking about poetics. I really don't understand why. Is this supposed to be the speaker's conscious mind trying to break through the dream?

you run from crimes you don't remember. you can't look back. -I noticed the lack of capitalization in this stanza. I actually think this adds to the dream atmosphere of the poem.
you reach the lot. you dig for keys: the guards, half on foot and half on segways, track
like hounds. instead of guns they've tied together sticks, and your bombshell partner's -"track/ like hounds" seems a bit cliched (How do I make the accent on the "e"?) to me, but I could be wrong.
deserted you: she's covered the way to your car in slicks, in jelly beans. 
the tires skid. as you fly away to heaven, she sucks in the sound
of the supermarket, butchers splitting wings from legs. -I think these last three lines nail the surreal feeling. I love the jelly beans image because it sounds like something you would see in a dream.

Overall, I think you have a nice poem here. I think with some minor tweaks you could have a strong surreal poem here.

Cheers,
Richard