misplaced summer Day in May for Ray (edit)

[milo]

Never worry about sounding wankerish on one of my threads, makes me feel at home.  ><
Prise is a word I never use, I'm having trouble with it.


I thought you'd like the action. Any opinion on the earthworm/lilac or an/a?

I'd do:

an early shower
obliges earthworms to rise
lilacs to burst

hmmm, that works but abandons ray's idea of specificity, which may not be a bad thing. Thanks, liz.

I don't think you need any verb there and it sounds clumsy. I you start with "early shower" causality is assumed.

An early shower
Earthworms emerge
Lilacs burst

But I think we need more of a connection between the earthworms and the lilacs, if there is one I am not getting it. A common technique is to use a visual connection

earthworms emerge is lovely. I was hoping showers was the connector but can see that it's not working that well. When I shuffle the lines to put shower in the middle

lilacs burst
in early showers
earthworms emerge

I realize I don't really care enough about the earthworms to have them open or close.

early showers
burst lilacs
earthworms at their feet

It's really about the scent of lilacs, and maybe the damp. If we had smellovision I could just chuck the whole thing.

Thinking. hi, milo

So, I realized I wasn't clear enough just after I posted this. Showers does connect the 2 but not in any unique way. Showers cause both lilacs and earthworms to emerge but they also cause  thousands of other things to happen, we need to know why the poet chose earthworms and lilacs. Is it the unintentional emergence of both (showers force earthworm to emerge, lilacs to bloom)? 

More common in haiku would be a visual connection (showers cause earthworms to droop like lilacs)

Anyway, we need to know how these 2 things are connected.