Succession (Edit 1)

[vagabond]

hi gaslights!
I don´t have much formal critique, but still wanted you to know how your metaphors work for me.



succession
 
 
When I carried you I felt like a mountain;
immovable skin on my belly, hot                
radiating out from a center             
mangled star, proving daily
my body and perception
were changed.              like earth´s? I like your metaphors a lot and I think this first stanza is like the poem´s subject imagining earth´s perspective
 
I studied the violence to steel
for each tremor’s eruption,
but it was a lazy birth, and rebirth,
primary succession by countless ordinary cuts.    here I´d see a metaphor for mankind changing earth
Then there you were: yawning screaming    I´d see earth again with this metaphor
Holy flesh laid in my arms for
a lifetime of tender reflection.
 
Now, that lifetime has days,      
with thoughts of teaching
that which I do not                nice double meaning, could stand alone or belong to “yet know”.
yet know. My soft center shakes
and turns to mountain’s ash; before
your round eyes, how could I imagine          a soothing thought (for earth)
myself a mountain? You sing of,     I´d give the “you sing of” a new line, but that´s just me.
and belong to, lush villages
populated with long futures,
and an indelible ingestible past.   maybe a comma after indelible, that´s all I´d find to change formally
I stand to shape the ash,
clod on, lovingly
planting seeds.     on the great present she is.. I love this peaceful ending!