Succession (Edit 1)

[Todd]

Hi, let me give some comments on your poem.

Succession is a versatile title. It carries both the idea of your metaphor and what the metaphor represents.

When I carried you I felt like a mountain;
immovable skin on my belly, hot
radiating out from a center
mangled star, proving daily
my body and perception
were changed.
 
This opening works well. It's one of the better parts of the poem. You blend from the first line the idea of pregnancy into your guiding imagery. I like the way you build on the idea line-by-line. We could think how is the speaker like a mountain and line two provides the answer in the "immovable skin on my belly". That's just excellent. It establishes the point of pregnancy and then ironically casts the experience as something immovable--when that's mostly an illusion, or at the least, it relies too much on what one can see on the surface. Good line break on hot. Now we get the sense that this might be a volcanic vent to the surface. I love how you captured the heat of carrying a baby and then compared it to the molten core of the Earth. Mangled star makes me think of something that isn't radiating heat in all directions but is instead going in one direction. This ties in well with birth. If there's any area where the poem slips for me personally, it is where you turn toward internal reflection. Those parts feel a bit tacked on to me and distracting. As issues go, I don't have a severe problem with this but it is still there. I think you could possibly cut everything after star on not lose anything crucial.

I studied the violence to steel
for each tremor’s eruption,
but it was a lazy birth, and rebirth,
primary succession by countless ordinary cuts.
Then there you were: yawning screaming
Holy flesh laid in my arms for
a lifetime of tender reflection.
 
Good progression of volcanic eruption as birth and tremors as labor pains.  I took birth and rebirth to mean the birth of child and the rebirth of the mother (more as she was before though changed). I like the contrast you use. This is a natural process (countless ordinary cuts) yet this is also Holy flesh. Again, I think leaving the idea at the experience would be better. I would consider ending this section with "lifetime".  If you weren't linking lifetime into the next strophe I would have suggested ending the section on "arms".

Now child, that lifetime has days;
I watch your first rumbling steps
pondering lessons I learned
and never did. My soft center shakes
and turns to mountain’s ash; before
your round eyes, how could I imagine
myself a mountain? You sing of,
and belong to, lush villages
populated with long futures,
and an indelible ingestible past.
I stand to shape the ash,
clod on, lovingly
planting seeds. 


I realize these cuts I'm suggesting are largely subjective and revolve around style choices. Here I would cut "pondering lessons I learned and never did." I really like how evocative the following phrasing is:

...My soft center shakes
and turns to mountain’s ash; before
your round eyes,

I don't often want to end a poem on a question but I like the symmetry of possibly moving "how could I imagine myself a mountain?" to the conclusion. Possibly reworked as a statement instead of a question. This is just an option. Your current ending isn't bad.  I'm not a fan of the compound "you sing of AND belong to" I'd just choose one or the other and commit to it.  I like the phrasing of long futures and the sonics of indelible ingestible. I like clod on and have no issue with lovingly (though it is something I would normally think to cut--as it's less show and tends to be slightly bolted on). I can accept it though in small one word doses.

I think you have something nice started here. I hope the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd