05-20-2017, 12:29 AM
(10-28-2010, 05:24 AM)Todd Wrote: Revision 2
Blood hissed in a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rosepedantic point. It is the damned "as" word. Comparator use here so you SHOULD write "as damp with accusation as the mist that once rose,.." eg. with fleece as white as snow. Hrrrrmmmphhh
until I Because of the sparcity of punctuation in this nicely measured piece certain bits have no where to hide...so I see "...mist that once rose (red on the hill)" or somesuch. Mildly distracting but as a genre device you get away with it...but that is not to say I wholeheartedly support the idea; anymore than like the
enjamb
ment.
held the world
under water,
matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left
to cry out. Redeemed by reconcilliation. God driven endings always work best for committed atheists. There is an open-endedness to the piece which is cleverly contrived to seem uncontrived. Nonetheless, another stanza ,whilst possibly clarifying the cameo, would probably disappoint the analytical crit...which I am not
This is me liking it.
Best,
tectak
[pre verse
bood became a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose.
Until I
held the world
under water,
matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left
to cry out.
Original
The blood was a whisper
beneath the soil
damp with accusation
as the mist that once rose.
Until I held the world
under water, matching murder
drop-for-drop
with no one left to cry out.[/pre verse]