05-18-2017, 09:21 AM
Hi Richard - some notes on your poem
Second Edit:
On a Day Like This
The houses
are like footprints in the snow, This is a very passive beginning; first line needs to be strong
while a draft is ‘while’ needed?
lightly cools my skin, ‘lightly cools’ ?
helping me nice line break
to remember the boots ‘to remember’ passive - reminding me of, recalling for me, something active
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know,
and the winter wind sounds like loneliness, ‘and’ makes this prosey. good metaphor, comma not needed
chasing half forgotten memories
of home. disappointing final line
One run-on sentence doesn’t work for me. I think your poem would benefit with a period at the end of lines two and nine. The extra caesura would add emphasis, much as your stanza break does. I like it.
I like the way the poem moves, from houses to footprints, to boots, to lost friends, lost home, reflecting back to the houses at the beginning.
Also like the tone of ‘duende’ - or ‘hiraeth’ - throughout.
Second Edit:
On a Day Like This
The houses
are like footprints in the snow, This is a very passive beginning; first line needs to be strong
while a draft is ‘while’ needed?
lightly cools my skin, ‘lightly cools’ ?
helping me nice line break
to remember the boots ‘to remember’ passive - reminding me of, recalling for me, something active
I’ve lost,
following friends
I no longer know,
and the winter wind sounds like loneliness, ‘and’ makes this prosey. good metaphor, comma not needed
chasing half forgotten memories
of home. disappointing final line
One run-on sentence doesn’t work for me. I think your poem would benefit with a period at the end of lines two and nine. The extra caesura would add emphasis, much as your stanza break does. I like it.
I like the way the poem moves, from houses to footprints, to boots, to lost friends, lost home, reflecting back to the houses at the beginning.
Also like the tone of ‘duende’ - or ‘hiraeth’ - throughout.