see jane run

[tectak]

For me, though, the lack of credibility is a real let-down. I really want to believe in the character but the writer, with all the simplicity of ownership, keeps breaking through.

Just so I make sure I'm tracking, were there other moments beside the "I don't know" couplet where you felt authorial intrusion?

hi lizzie,
authorial intrusion....well, I guess it is a structural  thing combined with a sense of restraint. Thing is, if you make the "form" of a poem part of the whole you have already stamped authorship all over it...not a problem in 3rd person writing but in 1st person it becomes of import. Sticking with this theme, the 1st person write appears to limit the character to giving not too much away...there is no confession and this seems to be a restriction imposed by you, understandably, as author AND surrogate character. So what you have written has become sanitised by your own moral standpoint. In that sense, and I can feel the control, there is a cred gap. If you can write unrestrained confessional stuff in 1st person, do it. We know it is just poetry...at least, that is the rule.
Best,
tectak