Still time...edit 1.1 ella,burr,nibb, ella again...

[tectak]

We look to see each paradox 
that smoothly slides past open eyes;
though moving dot by quantum dot within our conscious, jumbled thoughts.
Strange, then, that when we blink, the change
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost.

We dream in each entangled plane, 
a time where unwrit future grows; 
but not until the pieces move in to the place that we call now.
Strange, then, that when we wake we failed
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.

We  come to death, our past has gone,
its parts are fixed anew in space.
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes briefly in to view.
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.

tectak 2017

[ellajam]

Hi, Tom, this is already close to perfect for me. It reads beautifully but for a nit or two and while most of it says what I know I enjoy the way it's said and then the end makes for interesting thought. Thanks for posting it, some notes below.

We look and see
each paradox that slides across our opened eyes, I think this comma is better gone.
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts. The one bump in the meter for me, I say perCEIVED.
Strange, then, that when we blink the change
means someone died I'm not sure"means" is the best word here.
or war is won
or love is lost.

We dream in each
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.
Love this stanza. I had a thought on unwrit future being redundant but some folks think differently, I like it as is.


We  come to death,
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space.
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view. The stress on "through" is a bit weak though I don't really see it as a problem.
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.
I love these hopes, silly we.


tectak 2017

Thanks for the read, a lovely way to start the day.

[tectak]

Hi, Tom, this is already close to perfect for me. It reads beautifully but for a nit or two and while most of it says what I know I enjoy the way it's said and then the end makes for interesting thought. Thanks for posting it, some notes below.

We look and see
each paradox that slides across our opened eyes, I think this comma is better gone.
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts. The one bump in the meter for me, I say perCEIVED.
Strange, then, that when we blink the change
means someone died I'm not sure"means" is the best word here.
or war is won
or love is lost.

We dream in each
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.
Love this stanza. I had a thought on unwrit future being redundant but some folks think differently, I like it as is.


We  come to death,
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space.
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view. The stress on "through" is a bit weak though I don't really see it as a problem.
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.
I love these hopes, silly we.


tectak 2017

Thanks for the read, a lovely way to start the day.

Thanks ella. Your changes are on the way.
Best,
Tom
(This is written post-damascus. Time is nothing but movement in space....hmmmm....nothing moves, time stands still)

[burrealist]

We look to see See something? Since I want to see, I move on to the next line. I think moving "each paradox" up to L1 would be interesting, too. I think you moved it because it may have been a predictable flow if you cut it "...each paradox//that slides across..." So this break works.
each paradox, that slides across wide open eyes, What's going on with all the commas?
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts. What made you decide to extend this line so far? Another choice you have probably already considered is breaking this line at "within", but your feelings about flow are yours. The way this whole line flows is interesting as it stands alone, so I still like it. I like the consonance between the "dot"s and "thoughts". 
Strange, then, that when we blink the change What does it mean to "blink the change"? The way this is phrased feels awkward, especially moving into these next few lines. They're good lines, but I can't decide if you intended to make them sound like questions as well as statements simultaneously.
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost. Moving from the long line to these short ones, I like the breaks between these thoughts. The pauses give us time to reflect on each one.

We dream in each This line break feels awkward to me. Although, it's deliberate, so I may have to think about it.
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not 
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now. Here is how I would have broken it (not that your choices are wrong, but when people critique me I enjoy seeing the "writing process" from their point of view):

"We dream in each untangled plane, a time
where unwrit future lies,
but not until the pieces move, align and hold
for what we see as now."

It's interesting how different line-breaks bring different perceptions to life. Like I said, I'm not trying to correct you. I just like exploring various options.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail
I really like this line. The break ties two independent thoughts together, so they're simultaneously one and two thoughts.
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea. Again, I like the pauses.

We  come to death,
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space. 
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view. Is the terrain the thing that is viewing, or did you mean "into view"?
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.
There are so many provocative ways of thinking presented in your piece, and it's consistent flow helps us to understand why you chose your line breaks. It begins as an unpredictable poem, but maybe you can give your audience the benefit of the doubt by challenging them to understand your flow while exploring different line-breaks. 

The paradox theme is intriguing. I especially like your ending because it brings to mind something I haven't considered-- trying to escape the pain of this life only to re-encounter it in the next (that's the idea I got). Why should we try so hard to escape something just to strive to find it again?
tectak 2017

[nibbed]

Hi tectak,
I just barely scanned over the other critiques, so I hope I don't repeat.

We look to see                                                                                            -I know the we is exclusive
each paradox, that slides across wide open eyes,                                         -whose open eyes?
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts.                     -no "is" unless "if" comes after "see" in L1
Strange, then, that when we blink the change
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost.                                                                                                -fix above unless this is a question
We dream in each
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not                              
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail                                                  
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.

We  come to death,                                                                                      
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space.                           -no apostrophe
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view.                 -death is strange indeed
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.                                                                                             -strange?        IMO, not too strange at all.
                                                                                                                                              sometimes life on Earth cannot produce, yield
tectak 2017                                                                                                                            or furnish any other way...  



I love how the poem's structure is beautifully maintained throughout each stanza.
That is not easy to do, and keep subject integrity, too. A few grammatical stumbles, but that's
easy enough to tidy up. I like how your lists can be made into their own poem, please forgive
me as I write it out to see:

when we blink the change
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost

when we dream we fail
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea

when we die we hope
to meet old friends
rekindle love
and yet be free


beautiful.poetry.here
Thank you for the privilege to critique your poem!
Have a wonderful day filled with smiles and joy!

janine

[tectak]

We look to see See something? Since I want to see, I move on to the next line. I think moving "each paradox" up to L1 would be interesting, too. I think you moved it because it may have been a predictable flow if you cut it "...each paradox//that slides across..." So this break works.
each paradox, that slides across wide open eyes, What's going on with all the commas?
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts. What made you decide to extend this line so far? Another choice you have probably already considered is breaking this line at "within", but your feelings about flow are yours. The way this whole line flows is interesting as it stands alone, so I still like it. I like the consonance between the "dot"s and "thoughts". 
Strange, then, that when we blink the change What does it mean to "blink the change"? The way this is phrased feels awkward, especially moving into these next few lines. They're good lines, but I can't decide if you intended to make them sound like questions as well as statements simultaneously.
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost. Moving from the long line to these short ones, I like the breaks between these thoughts. The pauses give us time to reflect on each one.

We dream in each This line break feels awkward to me. Although, it's deliberate, so I may have to think about it.
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not 
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now. Here is how I would have broken it (not that your choices are wrong, but when people critique me I enjoy seeing the "writing process" from their point of view):

"We dream in each untangled plane, a time
where unwrit future lies,
but not until the pieces move, align and hold
for what we see as now."

It's interesting how different line-breaks bring different perceptions to life. Like I said, I'm not trying to correct you. I just like exploring various options.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail
I really like this line. The break ties two independent thoughts together, so they're simultaneously one and two thoughts.
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea. Again, I like the pauses.

We  come to death,
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space. 
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view. Is the terrain the thing that is viewing, or did you mean "into view"?
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.
There are so many provocative ways of thinking presented in your piece, and it's consistent flow helps us to understand why you chose your line breaks. It begins as an unpredictable poem, but maybe you can give your audience the benefit of the doubt by challenging them to understand your flow while exploring different line-breaks. 

The paradox theme is intriguing. I especially like your ending because it brings to mind something I haven't considered-- trying to escape the pain of this life only to re-encounter it in the next (that's the idea I got). Why should we try so hard to escape something just to strive to find it again?
tectak 2017

Many thanks burr. As you can see from the edit, I eat all crit. I was particularly aware of the effectiveness, or otherwise of the enjambment/line lengths in this. I admit it is one of my experimental constants. You noticed the peregrinations
Best,
tectak

[vagabond]

mind food in beautiful form. as i like it.
the following are parts parts where i stumbled, sorry in advance for the butchering.. citation is not my thing

We look to see each paradox                 exactly what paradox are you seeing here?
 if you are refering to quantum fluctuation then i would write somethig like:

we strive to see this paradox
that smoothly slides past open eyes,
while moving dot by quantum dot within perceived, jumbled thoughts. 

 i think the rythm is better if you erase "our" in front of perceived.


Strange, then, that when we blink, the change                    there is no comma between strange and then or after blink
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost. 
... change in the blink of an eye?  parallel possibilities that we can´t observe? ... ah no,  decisions!  
                             

We dream in each entangled plane, 
a time where unwrit future grows;       
    
but not until the pieces move in to the place that we call now. ---------  a suggestion instead of that:
but not until  through all the past we transformed  into now.

Strange, then, that when we wake we failed
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.

and so, just now, the future is nearly set, bye bye infinity, so close but forever out of grasp. maddening how you rip that out of theoretical physics.

We  come to death, our past has gone,     
its parts are fixed anew in space.
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes briefly in to view.
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.                          not strange.. at least not the contents of our hopes. we are based on our past. all our longing (or maybe most of it) has a reference to something we experienced or desired.
we would only be free from that if the past were erased, but as long as time travel is not invented that is impossible.
but the fact that we hope for anything is strange indeed. maybe because of fear. or faith. or some black box in our minds we haven´t been able to observe yet

tectak 2017

[tectak]

mind food in beautiful form. as i like it.
the following are parts parts where i stumbled, sorry in advance for the butchering.. citation is not my thing

We look to see each paradox                 exactly what paradox are you seeing here?
 if you are refering to quantum fluctuation then i would write somethig like:

we strive to see this paradox
that smoothly slides past open eyes,
while moving dot by quantum dot within perceived, jumbled thoughts. 

 i think the rythm is better if you erase "our" in front of perceived.


Strange, then, that when we blink, the change                    there is no comma between strange and then or after blink
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost. 
... change in the blink of an eye?  parallel possibilities that we can´t observe? ... ah no,  decisions!  
                             

We dream in each entangled plane, 
a time where unwrit future grows;       
    
but not until the pieces move in to the place that we call now. ---------  a suggestion instead of that:
but not until  through all the past we transformed  into now.

Strange, then, that when we wake we failed
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea.

and so, just now, the future is nearly set, bye bye infinity, so close but forever out of grasp. maddening how you rip that out of theoretical physics.

We  come to death, our past has gone,     
its parts are fixed anew in space.
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes briefly in to view.
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.                          not strange.. at least not the contents of our hopes. we are based on our past. all our longing (or maybe most of it) has a reference to something we experienced or desired.  
we would only be free from that if the past were erased, but as long as time travel is not invented that is impossible.  
but the fact that we hope for anything is strange indeed. maybe because  of fear. or faith. or some black box in our minds we haven´t been able to observe yet

tectak 2017

Hi vaga,
 as I oftimes say I eat all crit. You make some keen points and I will add them to the consensus. I take time to respond to crit because it sometimes helps me see what I don't see. In order, then. (note the comma. It is not there as a divide...but as a pause, a valid use.)

What is the paradox, you ask. A bit quick off the mark, I haven't told you yet . OK. it is the paradoxically smooth transition of our perception from one frame of visual information to the next. Why the paradox? Because if it WERE smooth it would be sliding past us...nothing still as per title... and we would see everything blurred...yet it IS sliding past but quantum dot by quantum dot. Ahem....that's about it. Ever wished you'd never asked?

Next. It's intonation. "is moving dot by quantum dot within our PURR-cieved, jumbled thoughts. You still have a point. I may reconfigure.
  
Next. The damn commas. It is messy. I want to say "Strange, then (that when we blink), the change is someone gone..." Maybe I SHOULD say it like that. Here is an example from another source "The emasculated society of Europe serves, then, as a warning to conservatives, and reinforces their belief that America must reverse the trend of modern politics....."   A dilemma. See who else jumps in...someone did and asked (comma-less) what does blink the change mean? You just cannot win.


Next. The "but not until through all the past we transformed in to now." Big no-no to that one. I am not a transformationalist...I am trying to state the peculiarity and perversity of time as a moving moment. It is the "moving" that is of significance. If NOTHING moves, time stands still. Ipso facto time is movement. Time is CREATED by the re-arrangement of ALL matter (and I mean ALL) in to another place in space. We translate (or percieve) this as the passage of time. It is no such thing. It is the relocation of matter. That is why we cannot travel in time in either direction. The buildiing blocks of the past have moved in to another place...we call it our present...the future does not exist until the pieces move and relocate...don't get me started


Next. Your final point is well made and though a philosophical end, is  an end indeed.

Expect changes and credit.
Many thanks.
tectak

---

We look to see See something? Since I want to see, I move on to the next line. I think moving "each paradox" up to L1 would be interesting, too. I think you moved it because it may have been a predictable flow if you cut it "...each paradox//that slides across..." So this break works.
each paradox, that slides across wide open eyes, What's going on with all the commas?
is moving dot by quantum dot within our perceived thoughts. What made you decide to extend this line so far? Another choice you have probably already considered is breaking this line at "within", but your feelings about flow are yours. The way this whole line flows is interesting as it stands alone, so I still like it. I like the consonance between the "dot"s and "thoughts". 
Strange, then, that when we blink the change What does it mean to "blink the change"? The way this is phrased feels awkward, especially moving into these next few lines. They're good lines, but I can't decide if you intended to make them sound like questions as well as statements simultaneously.
is someone gone
or war is won
or love is lost. Moving from the long line to these short ones, I like the breaks between these thoughts. The pauses give us time to reflect on each one.

We dream in each This line break feels awkward to me. Although, it's deliberate, so I may have to think about it.
entangled plane, a time where unwrit future lies, but not 
until the pieces move, align and hold for what we see as now. Here is how I would have broken it (not that your choices are wrong, but when people critique me I enjoy seeing the "writing process" from their point of view):

"We dream in each untangled plane, a time
where unwrit future lies,
but not until the pieces move, align and hold
for what we see as now."

It's interesting how different line-breaks bring different perceptions to life. Like I said, I'm not trying to correct you. I just like exploring various options.
Strange, then, that when we dream we fail
I really like this line. The break ties two independent thoughts together, so they're simultaneously one and two thoughts.
to hold the moon
or count the stars
or drink the sea. Again, I like the pauses.

We  come to death,
our past has gone and all it's parts are fixed anew in space. 
We stumble through fresh formed terrain which flashes in to view. Is the terrain the thing that is viewing, or did you mean "into view"?
Strange, then, that when we die we hope
to meet old friends,
rekindle love,
and yet be free.
There are so many provocative ways of thinking presented in your piece, and it's consistent flow helps us to understand why you chose your line breaks. It begins as an unpredictable poem, but maybe you can give your audience the benefit of the doubt by challenging them to understand your flow while exploring different line-breaks. 

The paradox theme is intriguing. I especially like your ending because it brings to mind something I haven't considered-- trying to escape the pain of this life only to re-encounter it in the next (that's the idea I got). Why should we try so hard to escape something just to strive to find it again?
tectak 2017

[ellajam]

Thinking it may be a UK/US issue I've listened to a bunch of pronounciations of perceived. It goes both ways heavily weighted towards perCEIVED in my search, yours may be different. Even
the UK buttons mostly said perCEIVED although that is obviously not the case where you are. It is up to you how attached you are to the word and whether or not you care that some of us trip. Always a dilemma for me, your choice.

[tectak]

Thinking it may be a UK/US issue I've listened to a bunch of pronounciations of perceived. It goes both ways heavily weighted towards perCEIVED in my search, yours may be different. Even
the UK buttons mostly said perCEIVED although that is obviously not the case where you are. It is up to you how attached you are to the word and whether or not you care that some of us trip. Always a dilemma for me, your choice.

I care about y'all. Duly changed to mean nearly the same......
thanks for shoving.
Best
tectak

[ellajam]

Thinking it may be a UK/US issue I've listened to a bunch of pronounciations of perceived. It goes both ways heavily weighted towards perCEIVED in my search, yours may be different. Even
the UK buttons mostly said perCEIVED although that is obviously not the case where you are. It is up to you how attached you are to the word and whether or not you care that some of us trip. Always a dilemma for me, your choice.

I care about y'all. Duly changed to mean nearly the same......
thanks for shoving.
Best
tectak

One good shove deserves another.

[vagabond]

  In order, then. (note the comma. It is not there as a divide...but as a pause, a valid use.) yes, i know i am a pain in the ass..


What is the paradox, you ask. A bit quick off the mark, I haven't told you yet . OK. it is the paradoxically smooth transition of our perception from one frame of visual information to the next. Why the paradox? Because if it WERE smooth it would be sliding past us...nothing still as per title... and we would see everything blurred...yet it IS sliding past but quantum dot by quantum dot. Ahem....that's about it. Ever wished you'd never asked?
but we don´t see quantum steps, instead we have a word for blurred because we see something sliding fast as blurred, to see something as blurred is not illogical neither without information.
risking that i understood you completely wrong i ask: Ever wished you´d never answered?
  
Next. The damn commas. It is messy. I want to say "Strange, then (that when we blink), the change is someone gone..." Maybe I SHOULD say it like that.
don´t, especially not for the sake of a comma. it is sufficiently clear that "then" means "then we blink"


Next. The "but not until through all the past we transformed in to now." Big no-no to that one. I am not a transformationalist...
what is a transformationalist? you need not answer, just know that i did not put that much weight behind that word.

I am trying to state the peculiarity and perversity of time as a moving moment. It is the "moving" that is of significance. If NOTHING moves, time stands still. Ipso facto time is movement. Time is CREATED by the re-arrangement of ALL matter (and I mean ALL) in to another place in space.
We translate (or percieve) this as the passage of time. It is no such thing. It is the relocation of matter.
but when i pass something i move it as well. passing is going by, any way i think about passage involves somekind of movement. is it really contradictory?

That is why we cannot travel in time in either direction. The buildiing blocks of the past have moved in to another place...we call it our present...the future does not exist until the pieces move and relocate...don't get me started
yes, blocks. we cannot rip ourselves out of the universe, but we don´t know if the universe as a whole could move "back and forth". sometimes i wish i could just upload my brain with more theoretical knowledge. as it is i can only wonder.

Next. Your final point is well made and though a philosophical end, is  an end indeed.
maybe science and philosophy have the same root and the same end


thanks a lot for answering my comments!

[burrealist]

And you taught me an awesome word: peregrinations.