Can You Hear Me? Edit

[Lizzie]

Hello, Crundle! I'll give you some thoughts on this one.

Edit

Are you looking down on me, -- 'looking down on me' is a cliche
or are you my friend wishing me well? -- is this a deliberate word play on a wishing well?
Am I just a ball of clay with which you can play, -- don't like the convoluted word order to force "play" to the end of the line
watching me run around in my physical shell? -- as opposed to a metaphorical shell? I suppose....but you're not an invertebrate. I know that you're speaking of the flesh here as Plato does, but it just calls up for me a very funny image of you running about town with a snail's shell on your back, looking like a hermit crab.
Are you trying to teach me a lesson,
sitting high in your chair while I burn in hell?
I'm down on my luck and looking for answers, -- "down on my luck" is a cliche
does Satan want my soul cause I'm looking to sell. -- I really like this line -- a nice little quip
If you sent your only son here to save me, -- here's where I know for sure who the "you" is. It's also where I switch into church mode.
all I got is another story to tell. -- what story? I'm not making the connection between the previous line and this one.
I've been under this spell since Lucifer fell, -- what spell? I think you need to make it clearer what the spell does/did. Makes me wonder who the speaker is, since they would have needed to be around since the fall of the angels....
is a whisper sufficient or do I need to yell?
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

I set up signs to advertise my body and mind, -- need more details here, I think, about the signs, the "why" behind the statement
waiting for the fateful day I might find a buyer.
Delayed-gratification's a delusional ideal
in a world unconcerned with consuming desire. -- These last two lines seem to be taking things in a different direction, away from personal struggle to 'what's wrong with society in general.'
When hypocrites make headlines and heathens patrol highways, -- only Christians can be cops?
a role model's influence always expires.
I'm exhausted from all the belligerent preaching,
but silence a singer and I'm crushed by a choir.
With politicians profiteering public opinion,
democracy is turning into an empire. -- the switch from the realm of religion into the political realm and back again is starting to give me whip lash. I think you should choose a couple of key complaints and focus on really exploring those. The world sux, I get it -- but it's starting to read like a laundry list of complaints/anxieties.
Show yourself soon and save your earth's denizens
before the bombs drop and we all burn in fire. -- you need to bring the reader along with you to this conclusion. I still need to be convinced that this is where we're headed. I don't understand how we get from delayed gratification, mass media, to end of the world.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Please god, give me faith.

They're screaming your praises around every corner, -- who are "they"?
but all that amounts is a crowd of clowns.
They've written the laws for equal rights and liberty,
but power will pay, twist the words, and confound.
They're killing for income, immoral for oil,
blinding our eyes to lifeless towns, -- are you trying to make me suicidal? If your point is that this is all too much to bear, you've made it.
to make gold-plated hats for a few tiny heads,
since no one will dare wear the thorny crown. -- isn't the point of the crucifixion that Jesus did it so that everybody else wouldn't have to? Can't really blame people for not wanting to be crucified.
Your children are dying and trying to hold on;
I hate the way they turn away while watching us drown.
Forgive them for they know not what they're doing, -- respectfully, I do believe you need to be dying on a cross to utter these words. Thrown in here, they lack authority.
please wait to release your hell hounds.
Can you hear me
in this cry for help?

Many of the psalms share this theme of pleading with God to intervene and stop corruption. As a reader, I would encourage you to tighten up the list to a handful of things because it's hard to follow. And you should take out the cliches, because they undermine your credibility.

Hope this helps,

Lizzie